Emotional Fallout

Hello, I'm 4 weeks old and I'm gorgeous!

I can't believe it has been 4 weeks since we met Little Man and already our life as a family of three feels so right that we cannot imagine it being any other way.

There are so many things I want to write about already, and yet it is the very fact that so much is happening in our lives that I want to write about that keeps me from writing. I am far too busy loving on my boy to get online to write these days. But I will be back soon as the things I want to write need to be written, if nothing more than to give me a record of all the things I'm thinking and feeling right now!

One of the major things which I think will take several posts to cover, is the emotional fallout of the pregnancy I had. Whilst in it I couldn't wait for it to be over and the nightmare of how ill I was to pass. I never, ever wanted to be pregnant again and although that thought hurt me inside, I was too focussed on the physical to deal with the emotional side of things (not to mention that crying made me throw up!)

But now Little Man is here and I get to fall in love with every part of him more each day I realise just how big that is. I see his tiny toes and his attempts to smile and realise we won't do this again. And that hurts. I see my sister-in-law pregnant with her third child, looking forward to the new arrival with her first two children and realise Little Man will never get to experience the anticipation of a baby brother or sister. And it hurts. But more than that, when I look at him and know he was worth every second of being so ill I feel guilty for not being willing to do it again. But I can't. I don't want to put myself or TJ through that again. Nor do I want to miss out on several months of Little Man's life through being that ill again. And that really hurts.

Deep down I know how incredibly blessed we were to fall pregnant and have a very healthy baby boy at the end of the pregnancy. Some people never get to live this dream. I will never forget that, but it doesn't stop the hurt.

And even without these aspects of the pregnancy experience I had there are still the remnants of sickness that remain 4 weeks later, the extreme exhaustion from being very ill for 9 months, and the fear surrounding both getting ill or falling pregnant again. There are certain foods I don't think I'll ever want to touch again. There are certain songs, tv programmes, and books that take me right back to the moments I listened to, watched or read them in an attempt to take my mind off how very sick I felt. And I have a feeling that certain times of the year will always remind me of my very worst days.

Don't get me wrong: I am loving being a mum and I am spending most of my days with a massive grin on my face. But the emotional fallout is still there and it hits me at the strangest of times. I imagine it will take quite some time to work through it all and I am sure I will have a lot to write about in weeks to come. But for now I just wanted to note that although I am in heaven with my baby boy, there are these emotions that need to be recognised, honoured and faced and so it may take me a while to get back to regular blogging and I may even take to blogging several posts at a time if my mind needs to get several things sorted at some point. But whichever way it happens, I will keep writing and posting photos of my dear, sweet boy!

Thank you for reading xx

Comments

[Mum]

Hugs...hugs...and more hugs. Your hormones and emotions are still in a muddle. It puts a smile on our faces to see the lovely big smile on your face now that you have got your precious son and our special Grandson. xxx

[One Day]

Oh Amanda- I can truly relate to what you say and that's such an amazing part of this blogging community. You know what we went through together- you know some of those deep inner thoughts that I haven't been able to put to words...

I have cholestasis. It's honestly a little scary how similar our pregnancies have been. I'm glad to have you here to lean on, to read along with, to speak what I might not be able to say and vice versa.

I'm so excited to meet our little ones- that hasn't changed one bit. I'm so grateful for this pregnancy in that it's bringing us these beautiful miracles. That doesn't change the fact that it's been the hardest road I've faced and I can't imagine doing it again.

I'm thinking of you. xo

[Simone]

Your bad memories will gradually fade over time Amanda. As your Mum says, your hormones and emotions are still in a muddle at the moment and it will take time for things to settle down. There will be light at the end of the tunnel! x

[Onesie Mommy]

I could relate to so much of what you wrote. When I see friends having second and third babies, I long for another one. Not that I'm unhappy with Miss B but I want the joy of reliving that baby stage too. But like you, for us that won't happen.

Then, there are the times when Miss B is throwing the biggest tantrum and I think "ah, there's only one" and it makes it that much easier.

Or, there are the moments when I have a bit of time to myself because there isn't another one to look after.

Or, Miss B is having a hard time falling asleep and I can tend to her and give her all the attention she needs because there isn't another baby that needs to be fed or taken care of.

Even though we are oceans apart, as Onesie Mommies, we will forever be linked. Big hugs to you!