Phew, this week has been one hell of a rollercoaster ride!
Monday and Tuesday saw Little Man having his first proper visits with the childminder. He was dubious when I left him Monday afternoon and crying by the time I picked him up. By Tuesday he cried as soon as we walked through the door. I've worked in childcare and so I expected this... but it is still so hard to see him so upset.
My choice to return to work was initially financial. Now it is something that I realise I need to do for my own confidence and for Little Man's social skills. After all, we have spent the past 14 months mostly with each other and not much outside socialising. I have enjoyed this time, just the two of us, and am sad to see it changing but at the same time I know that Little Man needs to be around other kids his own age now. And I need to return to work before my confidence levels drop so low I fear it.
That's not to say that it hasn't been a stressful week. The job I found is perfect for me, but it has still caused a lot of anxiety. I haven't worked in an office since 2010, and even though I worked a few months during my awful pregnancy it wasn't really something I felt I did very well. So the nerves were most certainly jangling. Then there has been the worry about finding childcare and the logistics of getting Little Man there and then heading into town to catch the one bus that goes past my place of work each hour. That has been playing on my mind as well.
I should have known I had low-level anxiety hanging around as I'd been getting all the signs (eczema flare-up, IBS troubles etc) but it just hadn't filtered into my conscious thoughts. Until TJ mentioned he felt a bit rough and there just happened to be a sickness bug going round at work the evening before I started work. Let's just say a full-blown panic attack ensued.
I battled with Emetophobia as a child, and this phobia was brought crashing back during my Hyperemesis experience (is it any wonder?) And so, the thought of us all potentially getting ill just as I was about to start work was too much. I lost control and spent my first couple of days of working both unable to eat as my stomach was in knots and exhausted from the adrenaline pumping around my system. It has not been the easiest of weeks.
And it's times like this that I wonder how we keep going. Most people find change hard, and I know I am not the only one who suffers from a "nervous stomach". I've felt that way many times before, from starting university, through placements in Germany and Russia, and even when I first started dating TJ. And yet, however much I would love to bury my head in the sand during those awful moments of change, I can look back and see how amazing those changes have been and how they have shaped the person I am today. I don't like change, but sometimes change is not only necessary but potentially good too!
There is a lot more I would like to write about regarding this, but I am running out of time. So I hope to review the topic again soon.
Tell me, how do you cope with change?
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