The Family Patch

Photos, photos and more photos

My mum (hi mum) just asked me if I was going to be posting an recent photos of Oscar on my blog any time soon. And this made me realise I have been slacking in this department, so here is a photo post for you. Enjoy!

On our recent trip to Glastonbury we introduced Oscar to some of the things we love the most. That includes trees. He seems to find them fascinating too!

On said trip, we held a very small and informal blessing for Oscar (I promise to blog all about it... soon).

We also took a walk up to the Tor whilst in Glastonbury. This was taken part the way up and Oscar was determined to get into all of the photos. He's such a little poser...

What did I tell you? His little head makes sure it pops up without us even having to say "cheese".

He's slowly getting more and more mobile (and looks so much like his daddy in this photo!)

Although he seems to want to practise yoga more than crawl some days!

He can get himself into all sorts of funny positions and you wouldn't believe some of the places I have found him!

He loves having picnics now and eats his own lunch all by himself every day. He has a go at dinner too, but isn't too good with a spoon just yet.

He also loves sitting in the cafe with us, and had his first taste of a Babyccino the other week. Look at that milky moustache!

He looks so proud and smug when sitting at the table, doesn't he?

When we go out we try and show Oscar all sorts of things. Like this pine cone. He held on to it all the way around Belton House...

He even fell asleep holding on to it!

I think that's enough photos for now, right? I don't want to overload you all in one go, not after denying you all photos for such a long time.

Plus my dinner is ready and I'm starving. So sorry for the very abrupt end, but I can't think of a better ending when my tummy is rumbling louder than my thoughts. 

Carddies Review

This review has no financial incentive and is totally honest based upon our own experiences.

Today I'd like to introduce you to a fantastic company I was lucky enough to get to know recently. 

Carddies is run by sisters, Raquel and Esther, who hand draw these wonderful little card people and scenes that kids (and grown ups) can have fun colouring in and then playing with.

The idea came to Raquel during a rainy seaside holiday when she needed to find a way to occupy her own family. Since then her sister Esther and her kids joined in the fun and Carddies have grown into a brand that has, quite rightly, won several awards. 

Each of the current Carddies sets comes packed in a handy box, easy to carry around wherever you go. Inside the box you'll find a scene, a set of figures to colour in, and crayons in every colour you'll need. It is quite simply a box full of fun!

I asked Raquel to share a little bit more about herself and the team, and here's what she said:

 

Raquel, this all started when your three little girls needed entertaining. I'm sure many mums can understand the need to provide amusement for their children, but when did you first realise that what you were doing for your three might be just the thing other mums were looking for?

"It took quite a while. I realised I was onto something when my daughters’ friends started asking me to draw little card people for them too (my first “commission” was a Victorian family, followed by a football team). It then dawned on me that it might be something which worked not just for my weird and wonderful girls! It was when other parents started taking an interest that I decided actually to do something about it."

You work with your sister Esther. How did that come about and what is it like working with family?

"I showed the little card people to Esther over two years ago (I hadn’t before as I thought she might laugh, I am always teased for being very childish….) and she immediately saw their potential. It was quite exciting really, I don’t think either of us will forget that day. We sat at my kitchen table for hours getting more and more carried away. It took many, many more kitchen table meetings to get to where we are now. We called our thrice weekly get together “the colouring club” as a way of playing it all down just in case nothing came of it!

"Working with family has its upsides and downsides. Our skills complement each other perfectly, which also means we are very different….so reconciling our opinions can be tricky…

"We are brutally honest with one another, in a way you could not be with other people…and being Spanish, we let it all out rather than holding it in…so it can be explosive. Our very English husbands and children know when to disappear from the scene!

"But we trust each other implicitly, and our passion for Carddies is augmented by our sisterly bond, I am sure of it. We are probably also able to reach decisions more quickly as we have a shared vision. We have had some great laughs in the past couple of years, many shared sister jokes which others would not get at all…"

You mention on your website that your children and Esther's are all involved in areas such as branding, packaging and future designs. How does this work? Do you produce ideas and present them to the kids for their opinion, do they come to you with ideas, or is it a mixture of the two?

"The children are most definitely involved in all these areas, and they have strong opinions. The interaction is two-way, and very live. All of the sets are based on our collective imagination…for example the girls in the past asked me to draw lots of extended families, so those were the first sets I drew. Where it is an “adult” idea (for instance Esther was very keen for a Knights set, as she has two boys), we run it past the children before we put pencil to paper.

"Also, when the artwork is in production, the children continually give us feedback in terms of what will work and what will not. They don’t hold back on their opinions…

"Coming up with the name was a collective (and at times extremely silly!) process…. it took months. As chance would have it we have an initial of each member of our two families in there."

So with the help of your kids you've produced a product that other kids love too. I'm sure you've had lots of feedback from both mums and their children on the Carddies sets. But have you had any truly memorable feedback, anything that has truly stuck with you?

"You are right, we have had some wonderful feedback, and we have loved that. The feedback from families with children with SEN has been the most moving. It is nice to know that the Carddies have made a connection with the child-which in turn makes the parent happy (for example: “I was taken aback by C’s voluntary 'unopposed' concentration span, breadth of vocabulary, enjoyment of the box design, its organisation within and most of all his instant understanding of the theme.”).

"The comments that make us laugh the most are the gender stereotypical ones-such as the boy who never took the ladies in his Knights set out of the box at all:

"…my son thoroughly enjoyed creating a tale of knights and dragons… (I later found the two princesses still in the box and he told me they had been captured!)." Times Online.

"Or more recently, the girls who pulled out all the boys from their Carddies sets and very generously gave them to their Mummy to colour in and keep…

"We love it when children come up with their own ideas as to what sets they would like us to do next (see for example all the suggestions from the little Zoe and Drew testers).

"We have had lots of wonderful suggestions, some of which coincide with sets we already have in the pipeline (20 more sets are all drawn up) and some a bit more specialist (eg wrestlers!)."

Other than your kids, what else inspires the designs?

"My very childish imagination is the principal inspiration. As a child I always loved making animals and people out of all sorts of things…and having children is an excuse to do revert to what I enjoy most.

"My style of drawing has not changed much over the years, and I think that is one of the reasons the Carddies appeal, they are very innocent and childlike in design. Interestingly Esther has drawn most of the scenes and some of packaging artwork, and it is difficult to distinguish the two styles…shared childhood, I guess!

"As regards inspiration for themes, we are never sort of those. In fact we have so many drawn up or in the pipeline that it is quite overwhelming."

The Review

The Carddies team were kind enough to send us three sets of their new "Sports" box. We kept one to review ourselves and sent out the further two sets to Kate, mum to Sophie (4) and Sarah, mum to Lena (3). Here's what we all thought:

Kate and Sophie

"The Carddies are "great " - Sophie's quote. She has throughly enjoyed colouring the characters. She was really creative with the patterns on the sports wear, a budding designer. It kept her busy for ages, which was great for me.... I could feed Emily while chatting about the sports people. I will definitely buy a set for a friend's little girl - probably the fairies one. The only thing that Soph struggled with was colouring the backs as she wanted them to match [the fronts] but couldn't remember [what she'd done on] the front. This was therefore left to me." 

Sarah and Lena

"We got on really well with them, [we] had to have 2 attempts as the first time we tried [Lena's baby sister] was still awake and tried sooooo many times to get the pieces [...] So second time we had a go when [she] was napping and Lena loved them. We coloured the people first off,  which I wasn't allowed to do 'cos they're 'for "little girls" not mummies', although mummy did sneak one away while she wasn't looking and she got quite cross with me! At first glance I thought they'd be a bit [hard] to colour as the card looked like that shiny one that's rubbish to colour on with crayons but they're fantastic! Lena particularly liked giving them names, (she's named them all after her preschool friends and cousins!) We did them on Tuesday and she's played with them everyday so far, she's got them in her bedroom and plays with them on the window sill, even when she's supposed to be in bed asleep!!!"

There is a wonderful section where each person is drawn again so that their names can be written down so mummy can remember who is who!

Amanda, Tim and Oscar

"Oscar is rather too small to enjoy the Carddies just yet. But I (Amanda) had a fantastic time colouring in all the little people. Tim thought it was amusing just how much I enjoyed it. I think my words were, "why do we ever stop colouring in? They should make colouring books for adults!" But the Carddies box does say, "3-99 years"!! so I think I'm okay!

"I love the fact that everything fits neatly into the little box so nothing ever gets lost. I also think it is a fantastic touch the on the back of the scene each of the little people have been drawn with a line underneath them so that you can write each character's name down. It means even if mummy forgets any of the names she has a reminder!

"Oscar is going to love them when he gets older, I'm sure. We'll definitely be buying him some sets, especially the fantasy ones like the Knight's set. In fact I may have to buy daddy his own set of Knights otherwise there might be arguments!

"This current set, Sports, is ideally suited for discussing the Olypmics with older children in a fun way. I'd certainly recommend it to anyone with children, and even some adults I know."

Can you tell how much I'm enjoying colouring all the tiny details in?

You can find out more about Carddies on their website.  

Spirituality and Kids

Okay, so this post is a biggie for me. I generally only write very vaguely about my spirituality on the blog (and other places online, and in person, to be completely honest). It's a combination of not knowing quite how to explain what it is I believe and being afraid of sharing it and gaining negative reactions and/or getting myself into theosophical debates with people who have very specific sources of information to refer to when I don't. 

Tim bought me a book called "Pagan Parenting" for Christmas and there is a section within it that sums this up very nicely:

"[...]This raises the question of whether to be totally honest or to pretend to be like everyone else. It is a question faced daily by anyone on the fringes of the majority [...] Children growing up with metaphysical beliefs will often not share this side of themselves with mainstream friends for fear of rejection and ridicule.[...] A large part of one's public profile is deciding what should be encompassed within that role. For most followers of mainstream religions, this is not even a question that comes to mind. Unless the individual is extremely devout, religion is not often a part of their public persona. They neither hide it nor broadcast it. It is like skin color, hair color or anything else that is an integral part of who we are without needing to think about it."

In many ways I'm like the child mentioned in that. I have an instinctual urge to be honest and open about who I am and what I believe, but there is that fear of ridicule or rejection. And if I feel that myself, it is only to be expected that Oscar will pick up on this and learn by my example how to fear these things too.

So being honest, first to myself and then to others, is essential if I truly want Oscar to grow up knowing it is perfectly okay for him to explore his own spirituality and choose his own path. I can't tell him to do one thing when I am doing something opposite myself. 

Tim is much better at living his spirituality than I am. He likes ritual and "being a part of something" and it was his idea to dress up for Beltane when we were in Glastonbury this year (in fact he bought the dress for me because I was taking my own sweet time to decide on something!)

But I don't really like ritual. I feel embarrassed when doing it, and personally find it takes my mind and heart away from the matter at hand. I love the idea of it and know it works well for so many people, but I'm just not very good at it. 

So whereas Tim finds quite a lot of help and ideas in various Pagan sources, I continue to find myself falling somewhere just on the outside, not quite sure of where I belong. There is no uncertainty in what it is I believe, that's a mistake people sometimes make when I say this. I know quite strongly what is essential to me and those things that I haven't quite figured out yet, well that's what life is for, right? But expressing it and living it is another matter.

You may wonder why I feel this need to be open about it all. Surely the quotation I used at the beginning of the post points out that a lot of people do keep their spiritual and public lives separate. The problem for me is that although I can quite happily keep them separate for the most part, there are times when my spirituality is essential for explaining my outlook on life and how I get through certain things.

For instance, before we started trying to conceive I had come to a certain "peace" with the thought that if we were "meant" to have our own child we would but if not it meant that there was a different path for us to follow. This "peace" wasn't easy and of course my heart desperately wanted to experience carrying my own child. We were incredibly lucky to have that opportunity, but the hell of a HG pregnancy (further complicated by Obstetric Cholestasis) means that there were times when I truly wondered what I was meant to "learn" from this and what it meant for our future. I still don't know the answers to those questions, but my spirituality still helps me by reassuring me that even if I don't know the answer, someone (or something) does!

And so this reassurance is something that I want to share with Oscar. I want him to know that even when he feels at his most vulnerable and most alone, there is someone he can turn to. I want him to see beyond what is obvious and look to the deeper meaning behind things, to see the connection between all life and all living things so that respecting nature and our environment and other people is more than just something he is "expected" to do. 

I want him to understand that mummy and daddy do certain things for a reason. That we choose to use cloth nappies, try and eat healthy, locally grown foods when we can, and want to do all we can for those around us because that is our way of honouring the life we have been given and the life all around us. 

And the only way I can do this, truly do it, is to live it. Which means stepping out from the fear of rejection and ridicule and being true to myself and my spirituality. And this also means honouring and sharing Tim's own individual spirituality (which is different to my own) and in turn honouring Oscar's too. 

But how do you do this without risking that same rejection and ridicule for your child? What if something I do, some choice I make or some post I write on here has a negative reaction that comes back to Oscar? Judgement waits around every corner and although I believe in being as open and honest as you can be, I do know that sometimes holding back is a good thing. 

Where is the balance? How much of yourself do you share, to avoid confusion and to have trusting relationships with others based on honesty and truth? It's such a difficult thing to know and if I was scared about it before, I'm even more scared about it now that my actions could negatively affect Oscar. Without a "mainstream" understanding and image to guide and support us, where do we start?

I don't know if I'll ever know the answer, but I do know that it is an important question to ask!

BritMums Live! 2012 Meme

Well, I am rather late in joining this BritMums Live! Meme. 

I've copied the rules from the original post over at A Boy With Aspergers

Meme Rules 

Its Simple… 

Copy the nosey questions, and paste them within your own post, followed by your own answers …

Tag another 2-4 bloggers to do the same (alerting them to the meme) tip (it’s a good idea to make sure they are attending before tagging them)!

Once complete link your completed Meme to the Linky over at A Boy With Aspergers (don’t forget to share rules with your tagged few, giving them this URL for the Linky). This way we can keep track of the answers and importantly who’s tagged.

Please link to, and state the creator as A boy with Aspergers.

We’re off!

Q: What’s your blog title/URL and how long have you been blogging?

A: The Family Patch - I began blogging in 2007 at an old blog (dream of living) and also had a private blog (chemically hormonal) to write down my thoughts when going through a chemically induced menopause as treatment for my Endo. I then set up a new blog (me and you at 22) when Tim and I moved home as I wanted it to be more about us and not just me anymore. And then in 2010 I left full-time employment, partly due to my health, and set up Amanda's Patch, which eventually became The Family Patch at the end of 2011 when Oscar was born. Phew, that's a lot of blogging... and yet I still feel very much the amateur!

Q: Will Britmums Live be your First blogging conference?

A: Yes... I'm excited and nervous

Q: Did you bag yourself a sponsor?

A: No, I decided to go just as myself. Finding a sponsor seemed too scary!

Q: Are you attending both days?

A: Yes, wouldn't miss any of it for the world

Q: What are you most looking forward to about the conference?

A: Meeting lots of UK based bloggers (I have become close friends with several US bloggers but none in the UK) and attending the workshops. 

Q: Are you wearing Branded Clothing ( you’re sponsors brand)?

A: Nope... haven't got a clue what I'll wear. 

Q: What is your planed style for this event?

A: I still have a bit of baby weight to lose so not much fits right now. It will either be leggings and a long top for comfort, or if the sun is shining I might go for a skirt instead :)

Q: Are you hoping to be nominated for a BiB award?

A: I was... but since then I have started realising I don't much like all the work needed to write such a fabulous blog and so not anymore.

Q: if so what category?

A: N/A

Q: Will you be looking to network with Brands?

A: I've started networking a bit with brands this year and it is exciting, but I'm not so sure it is what I want to do. I still have to think hard about this one and I'm hoping BritMums will help me figure that one out.

Q: What do u hope to walk away having gained from the conference?

A: New friendships, more confidence in my blog, and a better balance between my life and my blog

Q: Will you be dressing up in the toilets for the Friday night BiBs?

A: Um, are we supposed to? I hadn't even thought of that...

Q: Are you speaking at the conference and if so when, where and how do you feel about doing so?

A: No. I'm happy just to listen :)

Q: Will you be joining in the early morning bloggercise on the Saturday?

A: I love the idea of it, but as my parents are taking Oscar for the weekend and Tim has managed to book some time off to come to London with me it all depends on how early he'll agree to getting up Saturday morning ;)

Q: What speakers are you most looking forward to listening to?

A: To be honest I am just excited about it all.

Q: What workshops will you be attending on the Friday (Day 1)

A: This has been so hard for me and I had to get Tim to help me decide. I was torn between several options and my choices helped determine what I want from my blog in the future. I've decided on the Discussion Den of "Can You Really Have It All?" It was a hard choice as I'm writing a book on HG and "Getting Published" sounded great, but I realised I needed the discussion more!

Q: What Workshops being held on the Saturday (Day 2) have grabbed your attention?

A: 9.45-10.40 Advanced blogging photography

11.30-12.20 Discussions Den: Blogging for a greater good

12.20-13.10 How to create an Ebook

14.40-3.00 Sod The Stats, Blog For Happiness

15.00-15.50 Writing About Your Life (although I may still change to Video Blogging)

Q: Are u booked into a hotel for the Friday night, if yes which one?

A: Yes, the Hilton at Canary Wharf (we got an excellent deal!)

Q: Will you be looking for after party drinks

A: No, I'm not really a drinker and I'll be too eager to see Tim!

Q: Are u worried about not knowing anyone or being confident and socialising on the day?

A: Yes, in a way, but not overly. I'm going with a friend and I'll have been to another conference the day before, and having spent 3 months working in Germany for the Salvation Army and then 3 months in Russia living with a crazy landlady things don't phase me quite as much as they used to. But I don't think anyone goes without a few nerves, do they?

Q: What’s are you most likely to be found doing why attending Britmums Live?

A: Looking around in awed silence, babbling away far too fast for anyone to keep up with my thoughts, or writing notes furiously into a book.

Now, it’s your turn and I can’t wait to read them answers!

Tagging

Ruth's Mixed Bag of Allsorts 

Steph at I'm Counting UFOs

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Huggies Stay Dry Review

This review has no financial incentive and is totally honest based upon our own experiences.

A few weeks back I was given the opportunity to review a pack of Huggies nappies and their new "Drylock" system which promises to 'absorb quickly, lock away wetness and prevent leaks'. 

As you may know, we have been using cloth nappies with Oscar for quite some time now, but we still continue to struggle with night-time nappies. Oscar is a truly heavy wetter and can "out-pee" most cotton based nappies within an hour or two. Bamboo is pretty much the only fibre we have found that stands up against his "monster-pees" and even then we have to double boost his nappies to get them to last a good 2 to 3 hours. So getting enough absorbency to make it through the night in cloth means his nappy is so bulky it almost reaches his ankles!

So I was quick to say yes to a free pack of Huggies and their assurance of 'what happens in Huggies, stays in Huggies'. 

I've always believed that the beauty of modern cloth nappies is that they are a choice. Disposables exist and are indeed more convenient at certain times and I'm not going to make life harder for myself just to say "I use cloth exclusively". I'm just not that committed. I love cloth nappies, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I'd rather use a disposable. 

But only using disposables occasionally means that we haven't had as much time to make a real preference between the numerous brands available. So this review gave me a great opportunity to try out Huggies Super Dry nappies, and here is what we thought:

The Review

The testing process

• We took our pack of Huggies with us on holiday. We had a drive from the Midlands down to Somerset so knew we would be in the car for quite some time. Not knowing when we would be able to stop off and change Oscar we chose to use disposables on the way down.
• We also put a disposable on him overnight. 
• Upon returning home Oscar started teething again and in one day had 4 pooey nappies in 5 hours, so we took advantage of the remaining nappies for a couple of days to limit our laundry!

Oscar slept soundly in his Huggies every night (even when he fell asleep exhausted before we'd had chance to get him into bed!)

Our thoughts

Overall I was very impressed by the performance of the Huggies. They fit Oscar very snuggly and only ever leaked twice: once when he had one of his "super mega pees" and the other during his teething "poonami" stage. I expect the odd leak from any nappy, and the "poonami" was so bad that we literally ran Oscar upstairs, held him over the bath and showered him down before even attempting to remove his clothes and nappy (it was that bad). I honestly don't think any nappy could have withstood that kind of offence!

In fact, even though the "poonami" nappy was showered with water and therefore soaking wet, it still remained remarkably intact, something I didn't expect from a disposable. So that impressed me quite a lot.

Other than those two anomalies, the Huggies served us very well. And they had an added hidden benefit: the images on the front and the back of each nappy made it much clearer which was front and which was back. Now this may sound like an odd thing to say because if you're anything like me you've never tried to put a nappy on backwards. But Tim has been known to get confused by other brands of nappies when the image on the front and back were so similar. It may not be a big thing, but it made a big difference for us.

 

Oscar also had great fun pulling the nappies out of the pack and throwing them all around him. Added entertainment included!

So that's what we thought. Huggies stood up well to pretty much most things Oscar threw at them, and for that reason we'll be happy to use Huggies again in future.

Do you use Huggies too? Have you seen the TV advert with the babbling baby? Did you know that you can follow Alfie the Baby on twitter? 

How could you resist following such a gorgeous boy? He's almost as cute as Oscar... almost!!

My Bucket List (and how it has changed)

So, two posts in two days wasn't really in my "plan" for spending less time on the internet, but when I came across this awesome post on The Supermom Liberation Project I just had to create my own Bucket List. I mean what's more important than that?

I'm going to include things I have already done (or partly done) because they are still important items on my list...

• Marry the man I love
• Have a baby 
• Find peace regarding Endo, HG and other health factors that affect my life
• Complete and publish the book on HG
• Complete my novel/series 
• Develop a happy work/life balance
• Complete my family (whether that be through facing HG again, adoption or staying as we are)
• Learn to make my own clothes
• Design and use a herb garden for cooking, healing and household items
• Take a course in aromatherapy
• Practise yoga regularly
• Write stories just for Oscar
• Learn to recognise as many native trees and flowers as possible
• Visit Scotland
• Take Oscar to Disneyland for Christmas
• Stay in a Yurt
• Travel around Britain (visiting all the ancient places)
• Drive along Route 66 in the US
• Meet all my close blogging friends
• Buy our own house
• Take and pass my driving test
• Make a patchwork quilt
• Own a DSLR and learn to use it
• Try painting using acrylic paints
• Paint lots of pictures for around the house
• Decorate our home to reflect each season
• Throw Tim a birthday party
• Host the whole family for Christmas one year
• Find and join a spiritual community where we live
• Move closer to the South West when we are older

I'm sure there are other things I will add to this list as time goes by. So I may well link to it from my sidebar at some point.

Most of the items are pretty simple and humble - no grand dreams like my 18 year old self would have had. Things like "climb a mountain" and "become fluent in several languages" were okay for the person I was ten years ago, but now I have a desire for a much simpler way of life. I'm no longer striving for the "big things" but rather the "small things that mean the most". 

There are still some big dreams, like buying our own house and travelling along Route 66 which we hope will happen one day. And those are enough for me. 

So, why not join in the fun and create your own Bucket List to share with us? 

Beltane in Glastonbury (and some revelations)

Last week we celebrated Beltane in Glastonbury (my favourite place on earth) and it was truly magical.

Photo courtesy of Nicole Fischer

We weren't just there for the festivities, but it was jolly good to join in with the celebrations that happened around the Chalice Well area. 

There was drumming (which Oscar loved) and dancing (which Oscar loved) and people dressed in all sorts of finery (which Oscar found fascinating). In fact it all made me rather emotional in a way I cannot quite describe, but let's just say that seeing the procession coming past the Gardens made me well up with tears slightly as we joined the end of it. 

We also had a blessing for Oscar (very small, just us and our friend Nicole) which I shall write about another time. It was very special for us.

But more than all of that, we came home with a renewed sense of passion for seeking out our own spirituality and being who we really want to be. Tim has actually never struggled with that as much as I have, but even he felt a difference being in a place that was so open and accepting. 

I have held my beliefs very close to my heart for many years because I never knew where I fit in nor how others would respond. But I always knew I wanted any children I had to grow up knowing that whatever they felt to be true was okay. And suddenly I realised that unless I start living as if my own beliefs are okay to be shared he will never learn this.

Like so many things that have happened this year, it is the very fact that I no longer need to make changes for me but also for Oscar that I am able to take a leap of faith and try a different way of being. Things I have battled with for years suddenly seem to be falling into place as the changes necessary become so much easier to make. And it feels like the right time to start sharing these things on the blog too. Because, after all, this blog is first and foremost a place to record our lives as a family!

So instead of thinking about what I *should* post about, I'm going to start writing about things which mean something to me. Even if they are totally meaningless. And instead of worrying that I haven't managed to post for a whole month, I'm just going to go with the flow. And instead of splitting my time between a mountain of projects and never feeling I have the chance to stop, I'm making my priorities and I'm going to try my hardest to stick to them.

A week in Glastonbury, without any internet and with a beautiful atmosphere around me, has made me realise what is important in my life.

I actually felt free without worrying whether I'd answered this person or checked up on that person, and though I still want to keep up with the lives of friends and family, I'm no longer going to stress about missing something once in a while. 

And knowing I had only my family and the necessary things (like laundry) to deal with, made me a much happier and calmer (and more organised) person. Tim even mentioned he preferred this Amanda, the one who wasn't constantly stuck to her computer or running from one thing to another. And I have to admit, I quite like her too!

So, Beltane in Glastonbury was a truly wonderful experience. But our holiday meant so much more to me. And I hope to share some of those things with you soon... but only when I have the time.

Learning To Love Who I Am

The past couple of weeks have been incredibly intense for me. 

In fact, the past couple of years have been pretty intense...

I've gone through a whole multitude of emotions, and been to some pretty low places before coming out on the other side. There have been lots of tears and stress and anxiety have become familiar companions.

But this past week things have changed and suddenly I feel like I am finding the person I always hoped to be and it is both exciting and daunting at the same time!

As you know, I've been having Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) since the beginning of the year for my anxiety. This therapy has slowly shown me the exact same thing I discovered through hypnotherapy sessions in 2009 and with the help of some close friends during my university years. 

I have low self-esteem.

As in, almost non-existent!

I'm not kidding.

As a high achiever you'd have thought I'd have a fair amount of confidence, right? I never truly struggled with anything I set my mind to and continued to achieve throughout my life. Why should I struggle with my self-worth?

CBT has really helped me to find the answer to that question, and in doing so I began to realise that all those projects I took on, all those times I said "yes" to something I thought I should do, and all those times I looked back on my ahievements and never felt it was enough were all an attempt to value myself through something else because I couldn't find the value in just being me.

I can't go in to the why and how, because quite frankly it has taken me most of this year to get to this point, so I wouldn't even know where to begin even if I'd felt like sharing every single thought that has run through my head. But what I wanted to share was the monumental shift in my internal conversation these past two weeks.

This past week I not only recognised the negative behaviours I continued to repeat, I actually managed to break the pattern a little. A hitch in one of the many projects I had taken on in my attempt to be a Work At Home Mum (WAHM) and "prove" myself in some way caused me a whole lot of stress. Enough stress it seems to make me realise that this really wasn't working anymore (as if it ever had!)

This hitch made me stop and suddenly think, "I am finally where I always wanted to be: I have a baby and a chance to stay home with him and simply cherish him and I'm throwing that away by filling my life with all these projects that simply stress me out". And overnight I went from being incredibly excited by the developments in my projects to wanting nothing more to do with them.

Of course, a little bit more thought made me realise it didn't have to be "all or nothing". A couple of the projects mean a hell of a lot to me (like the HG book). I simply needed to re-evaluate the amount of time I spent on them and the deadlines I had set for myself. Doing these things when I had the time rather than trying to make the time where there wasn't really any to spare would ease an awful lot of stress, and I wanted that more than I could say!

Looking back, this change has been a gradual one, building up speed over the previous months. But this past week was a real turning point. And even my therapist noted how my language had changed from I think I should be doing this to I don't want to do this, I want to do that instead.

I still have to fight the instinct to flinch when I say that and worry I am being selfish. But then I look at Oscar and see how much calmer he is simply because I am calmer too. And I notice how much more we both enjoy our time together when I am not rushing around trying to do far more than is humanly possible. And that makes me realise that by being this tiny bit "selfish" I can give so much more to him as I have much more of myself to give. 

Finally, I understand!

And this is only the beginning. We are going somewhere very special next week and I want to share it with you all once the celebration is over. But that means being much more open about areas of my life I have always guarded very closely. It means writing openly about our spirituality. And that scares me somewhat. But it is necessary if I am to be true to myself. 

And it is only by being true to myself that I can be true to Oscar and teach him to be true to himself in turn. And that is important.

If I can teach my son just one thing in life I hope that it will be this: that being true to who you are and loving whoever that may be will bring you the most happiness and peace you could ever hope for.

So that's what's happening with us. Lots of soul searching and finding our balance. And it is, as I say, both exciting and daunting. And I know I am not alone in this. So tell me, do you love who you are? 

 

 

Learning To Love Who I Am

The past couple of weeks have been incredibly intense for me. 

In fact, the past couple of years have been pretty intense...

I've gone through a whole multitude of emotions, and been to some pretty low places before coming out on the other side. There have been lots of tears and stress and anxiety have become familiar companions.

But this past week things have changed and suddenly I feel like I am finding the person I always hoped to be and it is both exciting and daunting at the same time!

As you know, I've been having Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) since the beginning of the year for my anxiety. This therapy has slowly shown me the exact same thing I discovered through hypnotherapy sessions in 2009 and with the help of some close friends during my university years. 

I have low self-esteem.

As in, almost non-existent!

I'm not kidding.

As a high achiever you'd have thought I'd have a fair amount of confidence, right? I never truly struggled with anything I set my mind to and continued to achieve throughout my life. Why should I struggle with my self-worth?

CBT has really helped me to find the answer to that question, and in doing so I began to realise that all those projects I took on, all those times I said "yes" to something I thought I should do, and all those times I looked back on my ahievements and never felt it was enough were all an attempt to value myself through something else because I couldn't find the value in just being me.

I can't go in to the why and how, because quite frankly it has taken me most of this year to get to this point, so I wouldn't even know where to begin even if I'd felt like sharing every single thought that has run through my head. But what I wanted to share was the monumental shift in my internal conversation these past two weeks.

This past week I not only recognised the negative behaviours I continued to repeat, I actually managed to break the pattern a little. A hitch in one of the many projects I had taken on in my attempt to be a Work At Home Mum (WAHM) and "prove" myself in some way caused me a whole lot of stress. Enough stress it seems to make me realise that this really wasn't working anymore (as if it ever had!)

This hitch made me stop and suddenly think, "I am finally where I always wanted to be: I have a baby and a chance to stay home with him and simply cherish him and I'm throwing that away by filling my life with all these projects that simply stress me out". And overnight I went from being incredibly excited by the developments in my projects to wanting nothing more to do with them.

Of course, a little bit more thought made me realise it didn't have to be "all or nothing". A couple of the projects mean a hell of a lot to me (like the HG book). I simply needed to re-evaluate the amount of time I spent on them and the deadlines I had set for myself. Doing these things when I had the time rather than trying to make the time where there wasn't really any to spare would ease an awful lot of stress, and I wanted that more than I could say!

Looking back, this change has been a gradual one, building up speed over the previous months. But this past week was a real turning point. And even my therapist noted how my language had changed from I think I should be doing this to I don't want to do this, I want to do that instead.

I still have to fight the instinct to flinch when I say that and worry I am being selfish. But then I look at Oscar and see how much calmer he is simply because I am calmer too. And I notice how much more we both enjoy our time together when I am not rushing around trying to do far more than is humanly possible. And that makes me realise that by being this tiny bit "selfish" I can give so much more to him as I have much more of myself to give. 

Finally, I understand!

And this is only the beginning. We are going somewhere very special next week and I want to share it with you all once the celebration is over. But that means being much more open about areas of my life I have always guarded very closely. It means writing openly about our spirituality. And that scares me somewhat. But it is necessary if I am to be true to myself. 

And it is only by being true to myself that I can be true to Oscar and teach him to be true to himself in turn. And that is important.

If I can teach my son just one thing in life I hope that it will be this: that being true to who you are and loving whoever that may be will bring you the most happiness and peace you could ever hope for.

So that's what's happening with us. Lots of soul searching and finding our balance. And it is, as I say, both exciting and daunting. And I know I am not alone in this. So tell me, do you love who you are? 

 

 

Landscape Magazine - A New Love!

Have you seen this new magazine? 

I found it last week whilst having my usual stroll down the magazine aisle at the supermarket. I spend a lot of time looking at magazines and thinking, "hmmmm, I'm not quite sure" when trying to decide whether to buy one or not. But this one caught my eye and a quick flick through the pages had me putting it in my basket without a second thought.

It reminds me ever so slightly of the reason why I used to subscribe to Country Living magazine. I ended my subscription when I came out of full-time work as I felt guilty paying for something that only I read from a decreased family income. And I missed its pages, but also knew that it didn't hold as much interest for Tim.

Landscape is different though. It has all the wonderful recipes and craft pages I love so much in other magazines I buy from time to time, but is complemented by a beautifully balanced range of gardening, agricultural and nature-based features.

A quick glance through the magazine had Tim rather excited too. He found the pages with rhubarb recipes of special interest, as the rhubarb we planted in 2010 and purposefully left unharvested last year is thriving this year and we are looking forward to eating it.

He seemed just as interested in the articles based on woodland scenes and the work needed to sustain our woodlands. Tim is a member of the Woodland Trust and we have always enjoyed driving around our area to find new places to walk in nature. Oscar's bedroom is based on a woodland theme and our wedding also had a tree-based theme. It's pretty much safe to say that anything which features woodland and trees (or any kind of nature in fact) will go down well with us!

Which brings me to another of my favourite features in this launch edition of the magazine:

I have quite a soft spot for deer. We often see them when walking in certain places and in the very early hours of the morning when I was up and ready for some surgery in 2009 we even found a little Muntjac strolling across our front lawn.

Add to this that of the two meaning attributed to the name Oscar, one means "Friend of the Deer" and you'll see just why I have a fondness for the animal.

But that doesn't mean I didn't find the articles about birds and other creatures just as fascinating to read. Tim and I have discussed how we want to raise Oscar on so many occasions and that includes teaching him all about the world around him.

We want him to know the different types of trees, to recognise birds he spots, and to know how precious everything is.  And this magazine brings all of that together in a beautifully presented and easy to read collection which I can imagine treasuring for many years to come.

But that's not all...

I'll be making these poppies to adorn bags, hats and cushions as I make them through the year. It is lovely to see crochet featured in a magazine like this. So often I have found that crochet patterns are only found in a very few select magazines. This may well have added to my love of this magazine!

And when Oscar is a bit older I'll be enlisting his help to make bunting to suit every season and celebration! 

That's another thing we want him to know as he grows. We want to make a real effort to celebrate the changing of the seasons and the teach him that life continues in a cycle of bursting into life, before lying dormant again for the winter months, before bursting into life once more. And this magazine helps us remember exactly what happens in each month. 

If you haven't already figured this out, I cannot rave enough about this new publication. As a new edition of Landscape is published every two months it is a much more affordable choice than many of the monthly magazines. And I am excited to say we'll be subscribing to it, building our collection right from the very start. 

Why not check it out next time you're down the magazine aisle and let me know what you think?