The Family Patch

It's Okay When Life Turns Out Different To Your Plans

A couple of weeks ago I was at a low point in my life. I was stressed, I was sick, and I was pretty miserable. At times like that I am reminded of how very different my adult life has turned out compared to how I always imagined it would. And I very much doubt I am alone in having these feelings.

But, as often happens, as I was knee-deep in these feelings (note I could have been much deeper!!) I stumbled across exactly what I needed... 

This book. Eat, Pray, Love is the book I have been yearning for and just haven't bothered to pick it up, despite having known about it for a long time! And then in one weekend we found both the DVD and the book (the book in a second hand shop too) and I made sure to make time to sit and read it whenever I could.

This weekend TJ and Little Man have gone away on a little "venture" as Little Man called it. So I have been home alone. It's a strange feeling being on my own and actually having time to do what I want instead of trying to fit way too many things into my life, most of these connected to work, being a parent or just because I find I cannot say "no" and offer to do way too many things! And so Saturday was spent feeling an underlying guilt for not doing anything productive at all... because, after all, there were so many things I wanted to do that I just hadn't had time to do when so busy doing other things, if that makes sense?

But by Sunday I had found a bit of a groove and enjoyed breakfast in the garden, crocheting a little something, photographing the flowers that filled me with joy and picking up this book to read a bit more. And yes, I was wearing my flowery pyjamas with bright yellow shoes and enjoying being lazy as anything at that point.

The sun was shining and I felt hugely content reading the book. Whilst I do not have the same passion for food as the author (my relationship with food has never been great, but is slowly improving) I do love the way she expresses so much joy in learning another language. As a linguist, this is something I can really relate to.

Okay, I'm not sure whether I can still call myself a linguist because I graduated almost 8 years ago, and it is almost 10 years ago that I first set off to Germany for 3 months and then Russia for 3 months. But my love of languages remains, even if I do not have the time to practise much these days. I've always loved learning languages just for the sheer joy of being able to communicate in a whole new way and find these amasing new words and turns of phrase that feel so sensual almost as you try to get your tongue around the closest pronunciation to a native as possible and open up a whole new world of discovery. It's why at school I spent at least some time learning Latin, French, German, Italian, and Chinese and why I loved helping my dad with his Spanish homework and then went on to study both German and Russian at university. And the Elizabthe Gilbert manages time and time again to express exactly what it is I love so much about learning all these languages.

Interestingly, though, I never planned on going to university to study languages. I had always thought I would train to be a teacher, not study some random degree just for the sake of it. And in this respect I always tell people I know that you kinda need to want to go to university to enjoy it. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated the experience, but the whole time I was there I remember wondering what the point was. I learnt far more in my 3 months in Germany than I ever did in the 8 years prior to it. But my teachers had told me to study something first and then get a PGCE in teaching. But by the time I completed 4 years at university I had pretty much had my fill of education and wanted nothing more than to work rather than study any further. 

And I'm glad I didn't become a teacher for that very reason, to be honest. Teachers have a hell of a time these days. But what this little story of mine means is that my life didn't really work out the way I had planned and actually that can be okay...

This afternoon I reached chapter 30 of the book and it amuses me that it is in this chapter that I really found my inner thoughts and feelings reflected back out at myself (after all, I turned 30 just a few weeks ago). In this chapter, Elizabeth Gilbert writes about how she imagined being the one who would end up having children and how making a choice not to do so can lead you to feeling guilty, as if it is a selfish decision:

"I thought it would be me who would end up with a houseful of muddy boots and hollering kids... we grew up into different adults than anyone might have foretold when we were children. It's better this way though".

"Not all the reasons to have children are the same, and not all of them are necessarily unselfish. Not all the reasons not to have children are the same, either, though. Nor are all those reasons necessarily selfish... I say this because I'm still working out that accusation, which was levelled against me many times by my husbands as our marriage was collapsing - selfishness. Every time he said it, I agreed completely, accepted the guilt, bought everything in the store."

For me, aside from the going to university and becoming a teacher thing that never turned out the way I expected, the biggest thing I always thought I knew about myself was that I was the most maternal and deeply broody person I had ever known and would therefore end up surrounded by children.

And I'm not the only one who thought this. My aunt once told me she thought I'd have 6 kids. And my friends have told me, since I've had Little Man, how cruel it seems that the most maternal person they have ever known doesn't feel able to have any more children. 

And for a long, long time that realisation has hurt. In my mid-20s, TJ and I discussed not having any children at all, because my health wasn't great at that time. We talked about how much more we could do if we didn't have children. But ultimately I have been broody since before I even hit double figures in age myself, so it was kinda inevitable that urge to have a child would kick in at some point. And when it did it hit very hard indeed!

I was so very lucky to be able to fall pregnant naturally and have a healthy (in terms of outcome) pregnancy. However the experience was sheer hell and fraught with worry and even almost 3 years on we still feel our world rocked by what we went through. But I have found myself falling into this trap of wanting another child because I didn't want this to be "it" for us. I didn't want that part of my life I always dreamed about (i.e. having babies) to be over so soon. But deep down I also knew that it was and it needed to be and that this was actually the right thing for us.

But it's so easy to fall into that trap of self-doubt. Yes, having an only child means I can give him so much more than I could if I were even more stretched than I am now by having another child. Yes, having an only child has enabled me to write a book (another dream which I never expected to happen at all, go figure). And yes, having an only child means that as he grows older and more independent I find I have time to do the things that I personally love doing. I have time to sit in the garden, in the sunshine, reading for pleasure. I have the time to blog about the things that mean something to me. I have the time (and the money) to attend a blogging conference for the third year running. I have all this time, and energy and space, that I would not have were we to have another child.

We've talked about fostering. And actually fostering is something I do feel we will do one day. But not right now. Not for a long time. Not until our only child no longer needs us so much. Right now I want us to have time to enjoy life... to be like Elizabeth Gilbert and find pleasure in life by saying, "no... that path wasn't right for us". And to do so is not selfish at all... selfish, for me, would be putting my entire family through the stress of having another child because they would need to hold me up whilst I followed a long-held dream that no longer fits in my life.

And nobody is more surprised by that than me!

Today I have learned something I have been trying to learn for years. That is is okay to step away from the dreams and plans you have held for years. To realise that whilst it is scary to do so, whilst you may worry about whether it's the right thing to do, and whilst you may panic that one day you will regret it, sometimes stepping away is not only a good thing but necessary to find your own centre once more. As I discovered in another chapter in the book, sometimes we do not always know who or what we are anymore, but it becomes clear what we are not... and clinging on to that just because we don't know who we are now isn't the wisest or healthiest decision we'll ever make.

If you haven't read Eat, Pray, Love I cannot recommend it enough. It is such an easy read... Elizabeth Gilbert has such a beautiful honesty to her writing and for all the times she has had me nodding my head in agreement she has also had me crying with laughter just as much with her turn of phrase and amusing descriptions of a situation. I promise you, if you buy a copy you will not regret it!

 

Merely Another Way

You may remember that this time last year I read a fair few books that seemed quite contradictory reading in many ways:

"My recent/current reading list has contained the titles, "What God Wants", "What the Bible Really Teaches", "An Introduction to the Philosophy of Religion" and "The God Delusion". Quite a selection - a "new age" book, a Christian challenge to fundamentalists, a philiosophical/theological book, and one written by a staunch atheist!"

I also went on to explain why this was of interest to me:

"More and more I am realising that if I truly want Little Man to grow up and make his own decisions about faith and "God" then I need to be able to encourage and support him in his own exploration as and when he is able and wants to do so... I'd rather he chose to be firmly religious or a passionate atheist (neither of which I am) or even someone who couldn't care less either way,  than follow in my footsteps and choose to believe something just because I do. If I can raise him to have his own mind, I'll be one happy mama."

I didn't really write much more about this after that, even though I continued to read various bits and pieces. But when I picked up another book by Neale Donald Walsch recently I realised that he has this unique way of putting into words so much of what I have felt for so long but never been able to explain very well. I began reading Communion with God just a week or so ago and every time I pick it up I wish I were as able to put my feelings into words. 

You see, I seem to have a lot of friends who either have very firm beliefs in God or who are passionately atheist and I find myself agreeing with each one on so many things and yet disagreeing on many others. And it can be hard to explain where you actually stand when you are neither here nor there, but somewhere in the middle, because that can seem so very "wishy washy" and changeable at times, which it is  (changeable I mean, not wishy washy)!

I love each one for their conviction in where they stand as I feel the same conviction that what I feel is right, is right for me. But expressing that can be difficult. And it can be even more confusing to try and explain how sometimes I can feel I have more in common with an atheist than with a christian, even though I believe in a God (of sorts). 

But when I talk about "God" I mean "Life". Pure and simple, I believe that "God" is a term used throughout the ages to describe the energy that creates life, that sustains life, that simply is life. So that includes you and me. Totally heretical to many faiths to suggest that we are all a part of God, co-creating the life that exists, but at its essence this is what I believe. We live in the world, we affect it through our thoughts, beliefs and actions. We're aren't mere spectators, we are creators. We create new life, we give birth to it, and we raise it. 

And the book puts this so much more succintly than I ever could:

'There is nothing that is that is not God.
'You may better grasp this idea if you use the word  "Life" in place of the word "God". The two words are interchangeable, so you will not alter the meaning...
"Nothing that is, is not Life. If Life needed to produce a result, where would Life get it? There is nothing that exists outside of Life. Life is All That Is, All That Was, and All That Will Ever Be.'

You may think I'm nuts, and that's okay! I think I'm nuts sometimes too. But I know that this really sums up for me exactly what I feel about life and God. I don't believe in God as a person. I think that we have personified an abstract feeling and concept that we struggle to put into words. And I think there is a real beauty in that, so long as we do not then expect everyone to accept our truth as the truth. 

And so this is why I find myself falling somewhere in the middle, enjoying  various perspectives given by both religions and atheists alike. It keeps me questioning whether what I believe today is the same as I believed yesterday, and I like that. Again the book writes this so much better than I ever could:

'Remember... take what you read as valuable, but not as infallible. Know that you are your own highest authority. Whether you read the Talmud or the Bible, the Bhagavad Gita or the Qur'an, the Pali Canon or the Book of Mormon, or any holy text, do not place your source of authority outside of yourself. But, rather, go within to see if the truth you've found is in harmony with the truth you find in your heart. If it is, do not say to others, "This book is true". Say, "This book is true for me". 

'And if others ask you about the way you are living because of the truth you have found within you, be sure to say that yours is not a better way, yours is merely another way.'

This last passage reminds me of the conversation between the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu that I shared last year and I think it is worth sharing again. I love how beautifully this conversation expresses the ability to seek your own truth and still be able to honour the truth of another. 

And I think it is a message that holds true in so many situations in life. '...if others ask you about the way you are living because of the truth you have found within you, be sure to say that yours is not a better way, yours is merely another way," is surely a message we should all remember when discussing different lifestyles, parenting choices and so much more. And this is why I love this book so much.

I do hope that as Little Man grows I will not only find the words to express these things to him but also the ability to live my life honouring the paths of others, showing him by the way I live my life rather than simply the words I speak. 

Celebrating Autumn: Making Smudge Sticks on the Equinox

Last weekend was the Autumn Equinox (or Mabon) and it was a beautifully sunny day. 

As you know, TJ and I are very spiritual but we don't really follow any single religious path. But that doesn't mean we don't celebrate our own individual faith within the family. One of the ways we do this is to honour nature and the world around us as sacred, and so this year we decided it was high time we tried to celebrate the Autumn Equinox in a way that was special to us.

As our herb garden has flourished this past year, we thought it would be a great idea to make our own smudge sticks, utilising the abundance of growth in our garden rather than just letting it all die off for the winter without being used. I hasten to add here that we left more herbs in the garden than we took out of the garden, but we wanted to use some of it.

TJ (with his aptly coloured hair!) cut some sage, rosemary and lavendar whilst I hung the washing out and wandered around the garden taking photos in the gloriously golden autumn light, and then we headed indoors to make up smudge sticks together whilst Little Man had his afternoon nap. 

It took us a while to figure out the best way to put the herbs together and we have yet to discover how well the different combinations of herbs smell together when burned, but we are more than happy with our homemade smudge sticks.

Later that evening, we held our own little celebration using a ritual created for the Solitary Druid Fellowship, adapting it to suit our own needs, missing out bits we didn't feel reflected us personally and adding our own little touches. Little Man was more interested in the candle than anything else, so that had to be moved to a safe distance away from him, but all in all it was nice to mark the turning of the seasons by remembering all that has happened over the past year and thinking about the months ahead of us. 

Autumn is one of my favourite times of year (it always has been) as it is both a time of reflection and gathering things together for the cold winter months ahead. There is something very special about the last few rays of summer sun, the wrapping up in blankets in the evenings, and the preparation for celebrations such as Halloween, Guy Fawkes and Christmas!!

When I was still at school, September was the month in which we returned to school and so it was also a time of new beginnings. And it seems to be this way again now, as I move into my new role with PSS (more on this in a later post, I'm sure!) And before I know it, October will be out and we'll be on to the next celebration. How exciting.

Tell me, do you love autumn or are someone who dislikes the end of summer?

 

(Re-)Finding My Blogging Feet : a personal (non-crochet) update

Wow, has it really been a whole month since I wrote a blog post that wasn't connected to crochet or the Nine Months Of campaign? Well there is a reason for this, but it's not necessarily a good one! Here it is: I've been incredibly busy and incredibly confused.

Okay, so the first part of that reason is very valid. I feel like I have not stopped this past month. Between work, the launch of the Nine Months Of campaign, and general family life there really has been very little time to sit down and relax. And when I have been relaxing I have been crocheting, hence all the crochet posts. But the second part of my reason for not writing any non-crochet blogs is really not a reason at all and without the time limitations would have been ridiculous in a way.

You see, the past few weeks have seen me completely heartbroken once again over the realisation we will never have a second child. It has seen me tussle with that thought and come out the other side feeling that actually this is a good decision for us, not just one we've had to make. And because I worried about repeating the same old thing I just didn't blog about them. And what is a blog for if not to express these things and document your journey?

The past month has also seen me make realisations in other areas of my life, which tie in beautifully with the above but have again not been mentioned once on the blog. Things like finding a co-author for my book on Hyperemesis and the sheer relief that brought at not having to drop the entire project as it was just beyond my means to complete. 

But more than this, I have not blogged about the deeper things I feel about the above. I have not blogged about how I am re-reading A Return To Love and how it helped me realise I needed to surrender to the fact I couldn't complete the book on my own and that a different solution must exist, if only I let go a little. Or how reading the book makes me feel less crazy for feeling so wildly (and irrationally) emotional about the whole pregnancy thing. I find myself nodding again and again on almost every single page as it all makes so much sense to me. Yet I do not blog about it because still I am unsure of where it all fits...

Which leads me to the real reason this blog has not been updated of late on the personal front. The fact is, I still don't know what I want from this blog. Do I want it as a simple place to write whatever comes to mind, or do I want to use it with more purpose? Do I dare to write more about deeply personal things which may limit my readership or do I need to maintain a readership that is in line with projects I am undertaking, such as the crochet stuff. Can both exist in one place happily and harmoniously? Maybe, but whether I feel able and comfortable to do that is another matter.

What it all comes down to is this: I don't feel like I am writing from the heart sometimes because of a fear of rejection (or ridicule) and so it seems easier to keep things neutral and make sure I am writing content that is relevant to a particular audience. But is this the right place for that? WOuld it be better to put most of my crochet posts on the campaign blog and keep this blog more for my own personal musings? Is it okay to write about faith and spiritual stuff more? I have come so very close to doing that on so very many occasions and then I bottle out. Because faith is so very personal, right? And as my faith underlines everything I think and feel, then I feel deflated when trying to write about things without it. So I don't write it at all sometimes...

Were it not for the risk of (internet) trolls and the like I would possibly write far more freely. After all, whilst I don't talk about these things necessarily with people in real life, this blog is supposed to be a place for me to record it all and meet like-minded people. If you read my page on Faith and Spirituality you'll get a feel for why I feel this could be a good move. But often I just let the fear overwhelm me. I think "I can't write it like that as what will people think?" and so I struggle for words to express what I really want to say and then give up. 

And whilst this is all no excuse for not updating my blog, it is the reason why. So bear with me, won't you, while I find my way forward with this. Many of you know I came so close to giving up blogging this year but I haven't done yet so that must mean the solution is here somewhere. I just have to find it.

Happy Beltane 2013!

 

Beltane is, in the Pagan Wheel of the Year, the day we celebrate the return of the summer (isn't that much needed right now?)

As I've written before, Tim and I feel drawn to a Pagan way of living, in that we love the sense of living in harmony with nature and the seasons and looking after ourselves and our earth because we see it all as being part of the whole. For us, following this way of life is about honouring life itself, and in doing so honouring the sacred that is all around us. 

This is an extension of what I have been doing for years and it is just nice to find a group of like-minded people. For me, God is all around us, in everything, creating everything, cherishing everything, and loving everything. That is why I love the beautiful symbolism of the progression of the seasons through the stages of the Goddess' life, from maiden to mother to crone. 

At Beltane, the God begins courting the Goddess and this time of year is all about fertility. Seedlings are beginning to grow, flowers are beginning to bloom, life begins to flourish after the harsh months of the winter. It is a glorious time of refreshment and looking forwards to the warmth of summer and the abundance of autumn yet to come. 

 

This time last year we travelled to Glastonbury and celebrated Beltane there. Though we had been to Glastonbury before, it was our first experience of being there during a festival. And the place was buzzing. I felt truly emotional at times, because the love and joy was so embracing. It was a wonderful tonic after a couple of really tough years for us - a winter (if you will) that had lasted far too long!

We had hoped to return this year as well, but things didn't work out that way. We both felt a slight pang when we realised Beltane was coming up and we were still at home. But it worked out for the best as Little Man came down with a stomach bug Saturday night and we spent Sunday (my birthday) doing load after load of laundry and praying that his symptoms would soon ease. 

Thankfully, though still tender, Little Man is well on his way to recovery. And TJ and I have started to smudge the house with the Beltane incense we bought in Glastonbury last year and are having a massive "Spring Clean" which started a few weeks ago and is finally starting to get near completion. 

 

I feel like the light is finally starting to break through and we're finally starting to cast off the physical, mental and emotional traumas that have so darkened our lives in the past few years. We're letting go of the fear and anger and grief and starting to embrace the hope and joy and returning to a place where we want to celebrate the spiritual in our everyday lives.

We still have a way to go, but this Beltane I feel like we are further on than we were last year and hopefully by next Beltane we'll be even more refreshed in our souls. Cycles of life happen continually and they don't always take the same amount of time. Our physical seasons happen on a yearly basis, and yet even they can get slightly out of whack, just look how long this winter has lasted! And just like in the Wheel of the Year, we can personally go from Winter to Spring to Summer and then back to Winter again. Hard times crop up throughout our lives, but I like to think that we learn from early Winters how to stock up on reserves and enjoy the summer sun and the autumn harvest when they are here, so that when Winter does arrive we have the energy to get through it.

 

And that's exactly what I plan on doing this year!

Happy Beltane everyone x

Nurturing Faith in the Family

As you may have noticed, I think quite a lot about faith and how that relates to our lives as individuals and as a family. I don't write about it anywhere near as often as I think about it, but it does crop up from time to time.

I've been thinking about it a lot lately, as I've been trying to get my head and heart around certain things and I have been reading quite a bit too (whenever I've had the time). I've been wondering how to nurture faith in our family, especially in terms of introducing the idea of faith to Little Man and encouraging him to explore it in his own way.

I consider myself to be a Unitarian and as I wrote in this post, "The Unitarians believe you should actively seek your own experience and understanding of the Divine". But how do I do this with Little Man whilst he is so young? At this age they want clear and specific answers, not ones that ask them to consider deep thoughts they are unable to really comprehend right now. 

But even more confusing is how do I explain to him that I read the Bible but that I interpret it in the way that I feel guided to inside my own heart which doesn't always tally up with the more typical interpretations? It makes using a devotional very challenging and so we haven't got any of those.

So I was really happy to find and read the book "What God Wants" by Neale Donald Walsch and find that it talked very deeply about what he calls "Separation Theology" (the theology that we are separate from God and one another and that there must be one true religion) and went into detail about how he feels a theology of Unity would work. After all, this is what Unitarian thinking is all about. 

The following two quotations are ones that I want to keep in my mind and heart as I work on nurturing faith within myself and Little Man, and I hope you don't mind me sharing them. 

About Religion

"There is only one God. Whatever we think God is, most of the major religions of the world would agree: there is only One of That [...] From "There is only one God" to "There is only One Thing at all" is a small shift. It's not a rejection of doctrine, but an enlargement. It's not an abandonment of traditional religious teaching, but an expansion [...] This is not about rejecting religion. It is, in fact, about reinvigorating it, enlivening it, refreshing it." (Chapter 18)

About Scripture

"Humans will understand that God's words are found in all of the world's Holy Scriptures, and that no scripture is more authoritative, more complete, more accurate, or more authentic than any other, but that each contains great wisdom and each leads to a greater understanding of The Only Truth There Is" (Chapter 23)

These two verses speak to me so much and make me feel so much more at peace with how I approach the Bible and other sacred texts in a way that has previously been described by many as a "pick and mix" approach without much substance.

But nothing could be further from the truth, as I am constantly exploring God and my relationship with him. This is currently now being explored through another book I found at our local library, this time a Christian one, "What the Bible Really Teaches" by Keith Ward. 

Although I have found the beginning of this book rather hard going, it is in fact helping me to explore things in ever more detail and depth and I do believe that even though a book may be hard to read, that doesn't mean you shouldn't read it!

The reason I find it so hard is that actually the author is rather forceful in his "challenge" to fundamentalist thinking and beliefs and though I completely agree with an awful lot of the points he makes, I don't appreciate the style and force behind his words. It was a fundamentalist style of Christianity that pushed me away and so it is good to read a book that focuses on it, but even so it could have been toned down (in my mind, at least).

That being said, I am enjoying reading his "six principles of biblical interpretation". These include:

The Principle of Contextualisation

"We cannot read a biblical passage as though it has just fallen out of the sky and was addressed to us personally. We have to try and see who wrote it, when, why and for whom".
"What the Bible really teaches  is usually not very clear, and it is often widely misunderstood. In other words, what the Bible really teaches is not one thing, clearly stated, which it is faithless to doubt or deny" 

and

The Principle of Comprehensiveness

"In reading any passage of the Bible, we must consider all relevant biblical material, and not take passages in isolaton and out of context".

These both make me want to explore the Bible in much more detail than I have in the past and work out what it meant to the people at the time and what it means to me now. 

Essentially, these two books have made me feel more at ease with sharing parts of the Bible to introduce Little Man to God and faith and that it is okay to do this and share my own thoughts on what it all means, even if that isn't the mainstream intepretation. I was so worried that I might introduce something to Little Man and then him come across it again at school or something and find himself in a difficult situation if what I have shared with him is different to what is shared with him by another. 

But isn't that the point? Faith is personal, I have always maintained that, and yet I worry so much about getting it wrong when trying to explain this to Little Man. I need to let go of some of that worry and trust that he will find his own way in his own time. 

Thanks for letting me share this part of my heart with you today. I know that some of you may be very firm in your faith and the way you are raising your children and may find this slightly perplexing. Others of you may have no faith or be quite sincere atheists and may think I am mad for worrying so much about it. Either way, I'd be happy to hear your thoughts in the comment (as long as they are respectful and polite, of course!) 

Exploring Unity

I've been talking about writing about faith for some time, but always holding back through fear of something or other. And this extends not just to my writing here on the blog, but my conversations with others in real life and my own reading about faith.

So I'm starting 2013 with a fresh perspective and taking a deep breath before exploring some big issues that pop into my head from time to time. I am letting go of fear that talking about these kinds of things will alienate many readers, and taking back the blog as a place to reflect on what is important to me and my family. And today, that thought is unity.

I've been thinking about the concept of unity for many years. It is the fact that I firmly believe that all things are connected in some way that leads me to turn away from mainstream religion and follow a path which feels right to me. I cannot, with all my heart, profess that any single person or religion has "the truth" to the exclusion of all others. It just doesn't feel right.

Every so often, especially when I walk through nature, I can feel this sense of belonging, a sense that everything is created from the same source and that if only we could be aware of this throughout our daily lives we'd have a lot less conflict and the need to say "this is right, but that is wrong" or "this is good, but that is bad" or even "this is the true God, yours is a false idol". When I am in nature, I feel connected to something greater than my own small world, and it is there that I feel most clearly that God created everything... and by that I mean everything. Whatever we term good or bad, right or wrong, it all comes from God. It is our own desire to categorise and understand things which complicates the matter.

The photo I posted above was chosen for this particular blog post because to me it symbolises a little part of this concept of unity... that three seemingly different things can all come together and work in harmony, because in essence they are all connected anyway. And though I don't wish to pretend I know what this unity is all about, I do want to try and explore it in the way I live my life.

I want to try and get beyond the logical reasoning that so often makes me categorise something as "right" or "wrong" (because, after all, I may feel that everything is connected, but often my mind gets totally in the way of accepting it!) I want to go beyond the mere concept of unity, and truly explore what it means as best I can.

One of the ways I want to do this is to meditate more, to take myself away from the triggers in everyday life that stop me from exploring the unity of everything. It feels essential to me that in our everyday life things have to be categorised to certain extents to allow us to function as we do. I need to separate work life from home life, my role as mother from my role as wife, looking after the needs of others and looking after my own needs... the list goes on. But every so often it feels good to get away from that and just try to enjoy being and letting the world carry on around me. I don't do it enough, in fact I positively find ways to avoid doing it most days, yet when I do I feel so much better. 

I also want to explore the way we celebrate and experience life, by marking the changing of the seasons and the waxing and waning of the moon, not to say "I prefer this holiday to that" or "I am happier in the summer than winter", but to simply experience them for what they are. This is where the Pagan Wheel of the Year will help us out somewhat. I may not follow any single religion, but I do enjoy exploring them bit by bit. 

Some may call this "pick and mix" and a less dedicated way of living life and exploring faith. I personally prefer to see it as exploring my own personal relationship with God, the creator, in whatever form that appears. And in exploring a relationship, surely I am exploring the idea of unity once more?

I have no doubt that I shall return to this topic of unity many times, but this is the beginning of this year's journey, and that makes me excited for what it may bring. 

Interestingly, in a week when this concept was very clear in my mind, I was led to read an article about a meeting between the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. It is a wonderful read, why don't you check it out? 

Unitarian. Druid. A Strange Combination?

For the past ten years I have spent an awful lot of time thinking about where I fit in when it comes to faith, spirituality and indeed religion. It has been a rocky road because although I know what it is I believe, finding a name for that and thereby a way to express it has been challenging.

For many, many years I honestly believed that faith in God must equate to being a Christian. It sounds utterly naive now based on everything I have learned in the past ten years or so, but let me paint the picture. My family weren't religious. They had beliefs, but we didn't attend church or home groups or anything. My experience of religion was through school and the odd church service with Brownies, Guides or the few months I spent singing in my friend's church choir. 

So when I went to university, I automatically joined the Christian Union. And that was when it all got complicated...

I found myself in a place that didn't feel right. Things that I had held dear were not only questioned but sometimes downright ridiculed and I went through a major spiritual crisis. I felt lost and alone and I didn't want anything to do with that world.

Luckily I found support online through some spiritual (New Age) forums and began to open up again. I even decided to spend my three month stay in Germany not only volunteering with the Salvation Army but also staying with a family there too. And I had a wonderful time.

Those three months did a fine job of healing a lot of the hurt I had felt and broke down my defensive barriers because they taught me that what I had experienced previously was an extreme and not the norm. I felt happy and loved during those three months and still write to some of the officers every year as I remember my time there so fondly.

But however much that experience brought me back from a place of being hostile towards Christianity, it also left me more confused than ever. Conversations led to my realising that my beliefs weren't always that far from those of what I'll call "mainstream Christianity" for want of a better term, but I still had some major differences that I personally felt stopped me from connecting with the Christian community.

Things like "original sin", "predestination", and the concept of the "Trinity". 

Oh and the fact that I practise Reiki, believe Angels are sent from God to help us all, and that every living thing has a soul that survives beyond physical death.

It didn't help that when I tried once more to connect with a Christian community online to try and figure this all out I was kicked off the forum for "saying the wrong thing". Whoops!

You'd think I would have just given up and gone my merry way in the spiritual community that seemed to have no pre-requisites, right? But there remained a part of me that missed the connection that belonging to a "real life" community brings. And this only grew once I fell pregnant with Little Man and started to think about how I would raise him.

So when TJ started suggesting we should look again for some "Pagan" groups to join I initially felt rather excited. 

Except, upon reading more I began to wonder if I really was fully Pagan either. It seemed as if I was somewhere in the middle, between liberal (perhaps very liberal) Christian and loosely Pagan, not really fitting in one world or the other.

Yet the week we spent in Glastonbury earlier this year brought home just how much I miss the community spirit of togetherness. We had a wonderful time celebrating Beltane, and we held a beautiful little blessing for Little Man in the Chalice Well Gardens...

So when TJ decided he really felt like Druidry might be where he felt his heart taking him, I listened with interest as he explained how some Druids consider themselves to be Christian as well and that the two don't necessarily clash.

I don't pretend to know all that much about Druidry as that is TJ's area, not mine. But it did make me wonder just how that would work. So I looked for more information, reading bits here and there, and eventually coming across the term "Unitarian".

It wasn't a new term to me. TJand I had actually been to a Unitarian church a couple of times, but for some reason I had never fully looked into it. And the more I read the more I realised I had probably been "Unitarian" all of my life, without really knowing.

Suddenly I felt less alone. I realised that there are groups out there that will help me as I develop further in my faith and that can offer support as I do the best I can in raising Little Man to seek his own relationship with God. 

And with all the other changes I've been making lately I feel much more confident and secure in sharing this with him, and with others. Whereas before I would carefully write such things as "my faith has helped me through HG" or avoiding the subject altogether, I now want to share that as it is crucial to understanding some of the things I am going through. And whereas I often used to avoid joining in with people when they discussed a topic, I feel able to take part now.

I found this amazing resource this morning answering common questions about Unitarianism and I found myself nodding along with so many parts of it. But the thing that really made my heart sing was this:

"We favour a simple and inclusive definition of the word Christian. Thus a Christian is any person who seeks to live in accord with the life and teachings of Jesus, who identifies with what is best in the Christian tradition, and who, perhaps, sees in Jesus a revelation of the God who is immanent in all people. This is the wellspring of love that permeated his nature and his ministry."

Cliff Reed "Are Unitarians Christians?"

I never felt comfortable saying I was "Christian" but in actual fact I have a huge amount of love for the life that Jesus led. I want to be able to show Oscar the Bible as a part of his upbringing in a way that allows him to think about it and decide what he believes to be true in his own heart. Because I ultimately hope that Little Man will have the freedom and courage to explore various paths before choosing that which he experiences as bringing him into a closer relationship with God, however he understands God to be. 

And that makes me feel glad. 

As a family we can celebrate those things we all share in our beliefs and still celebrate those which are different. We can pray and read the Bible, but we can also meditate, celebrate the Wheel of the Year, plant a Sacred Grove, and be open to learning more about the faiths of others. 

Oh baby boy... this is going to be such a wonderful journey for us all!

I totally understand that this post may not sit very well with some people. I am leaving comments open on this post as I am happy to discuss this with anyone who wants a mutually open conversation built on respect for differences as well as celebrating similarities.  But I am not open to comments that aim only to either end in a massive theological debate in a hope to "prove me wrong" or simply undermine my own relationship with God. I have had plenty of those in the past and this isn't the time or place for it. Any such comments will be deleted. Thank you. 

Made To Shine

I came across a message today which really struck home to me. It hit me so deeply that I didn't quite know how to move on from that moment in which everything suddenly clicked into place. It was so beautiful that I felt moved to tears and I just didn't want to lose that precious moment. 

It came after months of pain and sadness, and lots and lots of "soul searching" both in CBT sessions and on my own. In fact, it follows years of repeating the same patterns of behaviour that never quite worked and left me feeling hollow and unsure.

And though I knew this message logically it took this one moment for it to truly sink in to the depth of my heart and soul and make a monumental change. Which is quite a good way of explaining it, especially as I found the reading in the third part of the Educating Heart and Soul course I started at the beginning of the year and only just found time to really delve in to. 

There were actually several parts of this particular session that really spoke to me and it's going to take me time to do them all justice. But I have to start somewhere, and so here it is, the message that shook my world in the most amazing way:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves: "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?"

Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. 

We are all meant to shine as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson (Return to Love)
Inspired by 'A Course in Miracles'

Wow!

For months I have been looking at self-esteem issues in my CBT sessions. I have been working through perfectionist ideals and trying to reach unattainable goals. I've been looking at guilt and feelings of inadequacy. And I've been facing, in my own life, a confusion over the outer expression of my inner faith and how to truly live what I believe, without fear of rejection or harsh judgement, in a way that is both beautiful and inspirational for Little Man to grow up with.

And I've spent hours going over and over these behaviours and fears and getting so close to the answer and yet never quite getting there. And now it makes sense: my fear is not my inadequacy, but my discomfort with how good I am,how brightly I could shine.

I have, unconsciously for the most part, pulled myself down in so many ways as I wanted to remain "humble" and avoid becoming "arrogant" by being who I am. And yet, in this light, it seems arrogant to assume that I need to "lower" my abilities. Which makes me realise that this behaviour, though meant in the best possible way, has some very negative results, not just for me, but for those around me.

If I want Little Man to shine as brightly as I believe he was made to shine, then I need to accept and honour the light within my own self and celebrate my own abilities, not hide and doubt them. If I do that he will hopefully learn to honour and celebrate his own light. 

This all follows on nicely from my recent posts and I can look back and see how all the changes of late have led to this moment when upon reading this message it all fell into place. 

So I'd like to just invite you all to read through the message, slowly, and let its meaning sink in. Let's all let our light shine!

Spirituality and Kids

Okay, so this post is a biggie for me. I generally only write very vaguely about my spirituality on the blog (and other places online, and in person, to be completely honest). It's a combination of not knowing quite how to explain what it is I believe and being afraid of sharing it and gaining negative reactions and/or getting myself into theosophical debates with people who have very specific sources of information to refer to when I don't. 

TJ bought me a book called "Pagan Parenting" for Christmas and there is a section within it that sums this up very nicely:

"[...]This raises the question of whether to be totally honest or to pretend to be like everyone else. It is a question faced daily by anyone on the fringes of the majority [...] Children growing up with metaphysical beliefs will often not share this side of themselves with mainstream friends for fear of rejection and ridicule.[...] A large part of one's public profile is deciding what should be encompassed within that role. For most followers of mainstream religions, this is not even a question that comes to mind. Unless the individual is extremely devout, religion is not often a part of their public persona. They neither hide it nor broadcast it. It is like skin color, hair color or anything else that is an integral part of who we are without needing to think about it."

In many ways I'm like the child mentioned in that. I have an instinctual urge to be honest and open about who I am and what I believe, but there is that fear of ridicule or rejection. And if I feel that myself, it is only to be expected that Little Man will pick up on this and learn by my example how to fear these things too.

So being honest, first to myself and then to others, is essential if I truly want Little Man to grow up knowing it is perfectly okay for him to explore his own spirituality and choose his own path. I can't tell him to do one thing when I am doing something opposite myself. 

TJ is much better at living his spirituality than I am. He likes ritual and "being a part of something" and it was his idea to dress up for Beltane when we were in Glastonbury this year (in fact he bought the dress for me because I was taking my own sweet time to decide on something!)

But I don't really like ritual. I feel embarrassed when doing it, and personally find it takes my mind and heart away from the matter at hand. I love the idea of it and know it works well for so many people, but I'm just not very good at it. 

So whereas TJ finds quite a lot of help and ideas in various Pagan sources, I continue to find myself falling somewhere just on the outside, not quite sure of where I belong. There is no uncertainty in what it is I believe, that's a mistake people sometimes make when I say this. I know quite strongly what is essential to me and those things that I haven't quite figured out yet, well that's what life is for, right? But expressing it and living it is another matter.

You may wonder why I feel this need to be open about it all. Surely the quotation I used at the beginning of the post points out that a lot of people do keep their spiritual and public lives separate. The problem for me is that although I can quite happily keep them separate for the most part, there are times when my spirituality is essential for explaining my outlook on life and how I get through certain things.

For instance, before we started trying to conceive I had come to a certain "peace" with the thought that if we were "meant" to have our own child we would but if not it meant that there was a different path for us to follow. This "peace" wasn't easy and of course my heart desperately wanted to experience carrying my own child. We were incredibly lucky to have that opportunity, but the hell of a HG pregnancy (further complicated by Obstetric Cholestasis) means that there were times when I truly wondered what I was meant to "learn" from this and what it meant for our future. I still don't know the answers to those questions, but my spirituality still helps me by reassuring me that even if I don't know the answer, someone (or something) does!

And so this reassurance is something that I want to share with Little Man. I want him to know that even when he feels at his most vulnerable and most alone, there is someone he can turn to. I want him to see beyond what is obvious and look to the deeper meaning behind things, to see the connection between all life and all living things so that respecting nature and our environment and other people is more than just something he is "expected" to do. 

I want him to understand that mummy and daddy do certain things for a reason. That we choose to use cloth nappies, try and eat healthy, locally grown foods when we can, and want to do all we can for those around us because that is our way of honouring the life we have been given and the life all around us. 

And the only way I can do this, truly do it, is to live it. Which means stepping out from the fear of rejection and ridicule and being true to myself and my spirituality. And this also means honouring and sharing TJ's own individual spirituality (which is different to my own) and in turn honouring Little Man's too. 

But how do you do this without risking that same rejection and ridicule for your child? What if something I do, some choice I make or some post I write on here has a negative reaction that comes back to Little Man? Judgement waits around every corner and although I believe in being as open and honest as you can be, I do know that sometimes holding back is a good thing. 

Where is the balance? How much of yourself do you share, to avoid confusion and to have trusting relationships with others based on honesty and truth? It's such a difficult thing to know and if I was scared about it before, I'm even more scared about it now that my actions could negatively affect Little Man. Without a "mainstream" understanding and image to guide and support us, where do we start?

I don't know if I'll ever know the answer, but I do know that it is an important question to ask!