The Family Patch

It's Okay When Life Turns Out Different To Your Plans

A couple of weeks ago I was at a low point in my life. I was stressed, I was sick, and I was pretty miserable. At times like that I am reminded of how very different my adult life has turned out compared to how I always imagined it would. And I very much doubt I am alone in having these feelings.

But, as often happens, as I was knee-deep in these feelings (note I could have been much deeper!!) I stumbled across exactly what I needed... 

This book. Eat, Pray, Love is the book I have been yearning for and just haven't bothered to pick it up, despite having known about it for a long time! And then in one weekend we found both the DVD and the book (the book in a second hand shop too) and I made sure to make time to sit and read it whenever I could.

This weekend TJ and Little Man have gone away on a little "venture" as Little Man called it. So I have been home alone. It's a strange feeling being on my own and actually having time to do what I want instead of trying to fit way too many things into my life, most of these connected to work, being a parent or just because I find I cannot say "no" and offer to do way too many things! And so Saturday was spent feeling an underlying guilt for not doing anything productive at all... because, after all, there were so many things I wanted to do that I just hadn't had time to do when so busy doing other things, if that makes sense?

But by Sunday I had found a bit of a groove and enjoyed breakfast in the garden, crocheting a little something, photographing the flowers that filled me with joy and picking up this book to read a bit more. And yes, I was wearing my flowery pyjamas with bright yellow shoes and enjoying being lazy as anything at that point.

The sun was shining and I felt hugely content reading the book. Whilst I do not have the same passion for food as the author (my relationship with food has never been great, but is slowly improving) I do love the way she expresses so much joy in learning another language. As a linguist, this is something I can really relate to.

Okay, I'm not sure whether I can still call myself a linguist because I graduated almost 8 years ago, and it is almost 10 years ago that I first set off to Germany for 3 months and then Russia for 3 months. But my love of languages remains, even if I do not have the time to practise much these days. I've always loved learning languages just for the sheer joy of being able to communicate in a whole new way and find these amasing new words and turns of phrase that feel so sensual almost as you try to get your tongue around the closest pronunciation to a native as possible and open up a whole new world of discovery. It's why at school I spent at least some time learning Latin, French, German, Italian, and Chinese and why I loved helping my dad with his Spanish homework and then went on to study both German and Russian at university. And the Elizabthe Gilbert manages time and time again to express exactly what it is I love so much about learning all these languages.

Interestingly, though, I never planned on going to university to study languages. I had always thought I would train to be a teacher, not study some random degree just for the sake of it. And in this respect I always tell people I know that you kinda need to want to go to university to enjoy it. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated the experience, but the whole time I was there I remember wondering what the point was. I learnt far more in my 3 months in Germany than I ever did in the 8 years prior to it. But my teachers had told me to study something first and then get a PGCE in teaching. But by the time I completed 4 years at university I had pretty much had my fill of education and wanted nothing more than to work rather than study any further. 

And I'm glad I didn't become a teacher for that very reason, to be honest. Teachers have a hell of a time these days. But what this little story of mine means is that my life didn't really work out the way I had planned and actually that can be okay...

This afternoon I reached chapter 30 of the book and it amuses me that it is in this chapter that I really found my inner thoughts and feelings reflected back out at myself (after all, I turned 30 just a few weeks ago). In this chapter, Elizabeth Gilbert writes about how she imagined being the one who would end up having children and how making a choice not to do so can lead you to feeling guilty, as if it is a selfish decision:

"I thought it would be me who would end up with a houseful of muddy boots and hollering kids... we grew up into different adults than anyone might have foretold when we were children. It's better this way though".

"Not all the reasons to have children are the same, and not all of them are necessarily unselfish. Not all the reasons not to have children are the same, either, though. Nor are all those reasons necessarily selfish... I say this because I'm still working out that accusation, which was levelled against me many times by my husbands as our marriage was collapsing - selfishness. Every time he said it, I agreed completely, accepted the guilt, bought everything in the store."

For me, aside from the going to university and becoming a teacher thing that never turned out the way I expected, the biggest thing I always thought I knew about myself was that I was the most maternal and deeply broody person I had ever known and would therefore end up surrounded by children.

And I'm not the only one who thought this. My aunt once told me she thought I'd have 6 kids. And my friends have told me, since I've had Little Man, how cruel it seems that the most maternal person they have ever known doesn't feel able to have any more children. 

And for a long, long time that realisation has hurt. In my mid-20s, TJ and I discussed not having any children at all, because my health wasn't great at that time. We talked about how much more we could do if we didn't have children. But ultimately I have been broody since before I even hit double figures in age myself, so it was kinda inevitable that urge to have a child would kick in at some point. And when it did it hit very hard indeed!

I was so very lucky to be able to fall pregnant naturally and have a healthy (in terms of outcome) pregnancy. However the experience was sheer hell and fraught with worry and even almost 3 years on we still feel our world rocked by what we went through. But I have found myself falling into this trap of wanting another child because I didn't want this to be "it" for us. I didn't want that part of my life I always dreamed about (i.e. having babies) to be over so soon. But deep down I also knew that it was and it needed to be and that this was actually the right thing for us.

But it's so easy to fall into that trap of self-doubt. Yes, having an only child means I can give him so much more than I could if I were even more stretched than I am now by having another child. Yes, having an only child has enabled me to write a book (another dream which I never expected to happen at all, go figure). And yes, having an only child means that as he grows older and more independent I find I have time to do the things that I personally love doing. I have time to sit in the garden, in the sunshine, reading for pleasure. I have the time to blog about the things that mean something to me. I have the time (and the money) to attend a blogging conference for the third year running. I have all this time, and energy and space, that I would not have were we to have another child.

We've talked about fostering. And actually fostering is something I do feel we will do one day. But not right now. Not for a long time. Not until our only child no longer needs us so much. Right now I want us to have time to enjoy life... to be like Elizabeth Gilbert and find pleasure in life by saying, "no... that path wasn't right for us". And to do so is not selfish at all... selfish, for me, would be putting my entire family through the stress of having another child because they would need to hold me up whilst I followed a long-held dream that no longer fits in my life.

And nobody is more surprised by that than me!

Today I have learned something I have been trying to learn for years. That is is okay to step away from the dreams and plans you have held for years. To realise that whilst it is scary to do so, whilst you may worry about whether it's the right thing to do, and whilst you may panic that one day you will regret it, sometimes stepping away is not only a good thing but necessary to find your own centre once more. As I discovered in another chapter in the book, sometimes we do not always know who or what we are anymore, but it becomes clear what we are not... and clinging on to that just because we don't know who we are now isn't the wisest or healthiest decision we'll ever make.

If you haven't read Eat, Pray, Love I cannot recommend it enough. It is such an easy read... Elizabeth Gilbert has such a beautiful honesty to her writing and for all the times she has had me nodding my head in agreement she has also had me crying with laughter just as much with her turn of phrase and amusing descriptions of a situation. I promise you, if you buy a copy you will not regret it!

 

Changing The Way We Eat

The past few months have been really challenging for us as a family healthwise. The biggest issue for me has been my digestion - having suffered from IBS for years, everything just seems to have become so much worse over the past year, with a rapid increase in symptoms since 6 months. 

In desperation I saw my GP when nothing seemed to be helping and weight loss was added to the mix. He referred me to a gastroenterologist and after a busy few weeks of various investigations, I finally saw the gastroenterologist for a follow up on Monday. 

It appears that everything looks fine internally, other than the fact that my digestive system isn't working as efficiently as it should. So his suggestion was to change the way I eat to see if that would combat the nausea and indigestion I am suffering from after eating. Namely, he wants me to drink at least 3 litres per day and start eating 6-8 meals per day to help make things as easy as possible on my system.

That's quite a change to the 3 meals a day, often at random times and struggling to make time to stop and drink even 2 litres a day around work and looking after a toddler! But it makes sense, so we're trying it out...

The problem is, finding a way to work around this new way of working. There are certain things that I cannot eat and haven't been able to eat for years - wheat, too much meat, too much dairy, raw vegetables and leafy greens like lettuce etc. So I am already limited in my variety of foods, so how can I find enough for 6-8 meals each day?

It turns out it hasn't actually been that difficult. I've discovered that I can easily create nutritious meals that last me several servings - things like "saladas" made from a mixture of green beans, peas and sweetcorn left over from the night before, added to egg mayo, cheese or ham the next day and split between two "mini meals" an hour or so apart rather than all in one go at lunchtime. Or a fruit salad, made in bulk one day (and kept fresh with a bit of lemon juice) and then eaten as a "snack" with some yoghurt or homemade museli at various intervals throughout the day!

The upside of all of this is that I've really started to enjoy cooking and preparing meals again for the first time in a very long time. We're experimenting in ways we've never done before - creating our own wheat-free muesli and discovering new combinations of tastes and textures. I feel pretty happy in the kitchen these days and find myself taking pleasure in feeding my family and myself in a whole new way. And that feels good!

As does the fact that my digestion seems to be dealing pretty well with the changes. I still have a long way to go before I am at the optimum suggestion made by the consultant, but so far so good. And whilst it's working I am going to enjoy trying new things...

Tell me, do you have any tips for nutritious and tasty "mini meals" or meals that can be split over several servings? 

This post is another of my "Joy in the Everyday Moments" posts as I am finding so much joy in the simple act of preparing food - you can't get more "everyday" than that, can you?

What to wear for BritMums Live... my mini fashion shoot!

In just under 3 weeks I'll be heading off down to London for my third BritMums Live and I haven't got a clue what to wear. I'll confess right here and now: I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to "fashion" and as I work from home these days I rarely think about putting together an outfit. So working out what to wear for 2 days away (when those outfits will not end up smeared in food or paint or felt tip or whatever else Little Man usually throws at me) is both exciting and rather alarming!

I am liking the idea of "white" because when else can I wear white without it getting grubby within minutes of putting it on? But my outfit also needs to be practical - it needs to be comfortable, it can't crease too easily, and it needs to take up minimum space in my suitcase (so I have room for all those goodies as for the first year ever I am going home by train without my trusty husband to lend a hand in carrying everything!) 

I'm thinking that the easiest way of hitting all of those points is to think of outfits which work well together - something I can wear casual during the day on Friday but dress up for the evening, seeing as though Emma is a BiBs Finalist and I want to celebrate with her in style! I've always skipped off early on the Friday night for a "date night" with TJ so I've not actually been to the BiBs party before... do people dress up for it?

I'm also torn between summery dresses and skirts and a more casual leggings ensemble. I've thought about wearing a dress before but ended up being far more casual the past couple of years. To be honest, the first year I was still very much in the "new mummy" stage of simply throwing on some clothes without even thinking about it, so I can't even remember what I wore. And last year I wore jeans and a tee on both days. So this year I really ought to make a bit more of an effort...

So what do you think? Are any of my 3 outfit ideas look better than the rest? Or would you suggest a different combination? I could really do with your suggestions!

 

These two made my mini fashion shoot so much fun (and made me far less self-conscious about it) so I had to include these photos... these are definitely going down as "Joy in the Everyday Moments" memories!

Redecorating the Bedroom: Romantic Roses and Remembering "Our Story"

We've been slowly redecorating our (rented) house for the past couple of years now and we're finally at the point of thinking about our bedroom. We've been putting it off for so long and, quite frankly, I'm still not looking forward to the actual decorating part of it. But the other day I came across a wall plaque that really caught me eye and made my heart leap because I knew, there and then, that this was the inspiration for our bedroom.

Everything about this sign is just perfect - the soft pink roses, the sweet reminder of how "our story" is the most important one for us. I saw it and suddenly had the urge to replace all our bedding and put photos on the wall and create a room full of love.

It's quite a change from the bright and bold theme I chose just last year as my entry to the Debenhams Dream Bedroom Competition isn't it? I still love the bold and beautiful decor, but suddenly I feel like I want my home to reflect the softer, more understated part of our life for a while. After a couple of years of working so hard on the HG book and getting back into the workplace, I'm ready for a slightly slower pace of life for a while, and this reflects that perfectly. 

So I decided to take to Pinterest (with a little bit of guidance from the wonderful Jen from Love Chic Living) and began building up an idea of how I could interpret this plaque into an entire room. And it turns out, it's not that easy to find exactly what I have in my mind. A lot of the rose prints I found just weren't quite right somehow, I want them to include big flowery blooms like the peonies above, not just tight rose buds.

So my inspiration phase is still ongoing. But I had a lot of fun starting it and it really helped me get a clearer idea of what it is I truly want from this room. It is still very much in the early stages, but here's what I have so far (I'll be adding more over the weekend)...

 

Follow Amanda Fisher's board Romantic Rose Bedroom Inspiration on Pinterest.

Of course, we don't have lots of money to spend on redecorating. It's a rented house and so we do not want to put lots of money into somewhere that isn't ours, not because it isn't worth it but because when you're in rented housing you never know when you may have to move. That being said, we've been here for several years now and I do feel we have put down some pretty firm roots for the time being so it is definitely worth investing a certain amount.

We decided to paint all the walls white, so that the decor could be changed by means of furnishings and little additions like pictures and trinkets. Our house is definitely lacking in photos, so this is something I shall be working on in this room... once I actually get around to getting photos printed, that is. Unbelievably I have not had a single photo printed since the very end of 2011!

We do, however, already have a couple of framed photos to start the room off with...

This one used to sit above the fireplace in our bedroom... it was taken down late last year by TJ and I've just discovered that it has somehow been splashed with liquid and some of our friends' messages have been smudged *sniff*. It's made me quite sad, but I think we can save it! So many memories in those messages, especially the one from my cousin who sadly passed away the following year when I was expecting Little Man.

I feel like perhaps it should become the central photo from which to create a photo wall of our "story" ever since. Luckily I scoured the charity shops for gold-coloured picture frames prior to our wedding, so we have quite a few of them hanging around which will complement this well. The gold will also pick up on the detail of this mirror which I also found in a charity shop and which we now fondly call our "Darling Buds of May" mirror, having seen one that looked identical on one of the episodes. 

It's really not the most practical of mirrors, being a fisheye and all that, but it is lovely. This does remind me that we really need to buy a full sized mirror at some point too as we currently only have this one and two smallish ones downstairs so I can never check how any of my clothes look when getting dressed. Perhaps a white framed freestanding mirror would work well? What do you think?

Finally, I've also discovered a few other bits around the house which may work well in the room, such as this Home sign which used to hang in our hallway. I currently keep all my necklaces in a drawer and they get ever so tangled up, so this could be the perfect jewellery hanger to rest near my head.

So that's where we're at! I need to really pull these ideas together and put a proper plan of action together so we can actually decorate the room and start enjoying it. But for now I am going to enjoy looking for further inspiration and dreaming of a room that makes me feel happy and content as I reflect on our "story" so far.

If you fancy following along with me, why not join me on Pinterest - I'd love to see you there.

I've joined in Jen's #LoveYourHome linky over on Love Chic Living... why not have a wander over and see what other bloggers have been doing in their homes?

BritMums Live 2014 - My Very Loose Plan!

I cannot believe that in just 3 weeks I will be packing my bags ready to head off to London for my 3rd BritMums Live. How has it come around this fast and how can it be my third year already? When I went to my first one in 2012 it was a real eye-opener... it showed me how much I love socialising and being around people who are all passionate about something (whether it's food, crafts, technology, family life, health... or just simply friendship!) I almost didn't book a ticket this year as I thought it would be too much, but I am so glad I did as I would have missed it so much!

My first year I went with an old uni friend. Last year I went on my own. This year I am going with two wonderful women I have met through my work for Pregnancy Sickness Support - Emma and Katrina. Emma is even a finalist in the BiBs so for the first time ever I will be ditching an early night on the Friday and attending the awards ceremony. I cannot tell you how exciting that is.

But other than knowing I cannot wait to get there and I cannot wait to fully immerse myself in the amazing experience that BritMums Live is, I do not really know what my plan is yet. And so whilst I deliberate over train times and what on earth to wear, I thought it was high time I looked at the agenda properly and decided what I wanted to do.

As always, there is far too much to choose from and I know I will most likely change my mind at the last minute on several points, but here's my very loose plan for the two days.

Friday

In the morning: I plan on travelling down, meeting Emma and Katrina and hopefully attending the BritMums Butterflies pre-event meet up in Starbucks (if you are going for the first time, going alone, or just simply nervous around big crowds, this is a really great way to ease yourself into the whole thing... I went last year and it was fab!)

2pm: Register and grab a cuppa (they have such a wide choice of herbal teas, I love it!) I must remember to pack some wheat-free snacks though as all the cake is way too tempting. This is also the time to have a quick look around the Hub.

3pm: Grab a seat with some lovely people and listen to the welcome and keynote and relish in the fact that returning to the Brewery for BritMums Live feels just like "coming home".

3:40pm: Continue to soak up the atmosphere and listen to the first session "Women's Voices and the Media: making your voice matter" - oooooh!

4:25pm: More tea and coffee... perhaps another look around The Hub. I shall also, at this point, reflect on the fact that last year I was waiting nervously to see a literary agent to talk about the HG book and less than a year later my co-author and I submitted said book to our publisher - eeeeeeeek! How very much has changed in just one short year.

5pm: I'm really looking forward to attending the session "How I did it: success stories from high-profile bloggers" not because of the content matter (I am not really aiming to be a high-profile blogger, I don't think I could hack it) but because I adore Annie from Mammasaurus and just want to hear what she has to share.

5:50pm: I was really torn here... I would have loved to go to the session about making your blog look gorgeous because I am still not 100% happy with how mine looks. But, I have been such a long-time fan of Cherry Menlove I could not miss the opportunity to attend another session with her. I met her for the first time last year and am so excited I get to see her again - there is something very special about seeing someone in person whose blog you have read for years, whose story you have followed along with, and whose outlook on life just seems so special you want to hear what they have to say in person as well as on the page. So I shall be attending the session "The power blogging can bring to your life" at this point in the day.

6:35pm: Emma, Katrina and I are most likely going to head out at this point to grab a bite to eat before the BiBs Awards Ceremony as none of us think we'll be able to last out until afterwards!

7:15pm: THE BiBS!!!

8pm: I shall be heading off towards my hotel room and bed at this point... although as Emma, Katrina and I are staying in the same hotel we may not quite make it to bed that early if we get caught up in conversation!

Saturday

8:30am: Now someone told me that there was breakfast at the Brewery if you got there early enough... I really must try and get there in time this year!

9am: Grab a seat back in the main room and listen to the keynote - have a little bit of a chuckle at how many bloggers seem a little hungover from last night's party and remind myself that there are some real benefits to not liking alcohol!

9:35am: Now here is where I get unstuck... I am interested in 3 of the 4 sessions at this point. I'm surprised it has taken until Saturday morning to have such a dilemna but there you go. I am torn between "How to be an agent of change: advocacy and charity campaigns" because of the work I do (but I have been to a similar session a couple of years ago), "Podcasting: the hows, wheres and whys" because I have no idea what podcasting is and with a panel of dad bloggers I would love to hear their point of view on blogging, and "Hands on video session part 1" because I'd love to do some more videos on the blog. I don't think I will make my decision until I get there and see who is going to each one and which one draws me in at that point. 

10:10am: And so because of my indecision in the previous session I have more indecision in this one too... if I have been to the "Hands on video" session I will need to go to the second part here. If I haven't, I will still find myself totally torn between "Pinterest: How to be a power pinner" and the other 2 sessions as well. I do feel that Pinterest may draw me in more than the others, to be honest, so I'm not going to write the other two down just to try and look like I have some idea of what I want to do here... but the reality is it could swing in any direction at this point!

10:50am: I think I will definitely need a coffee break at this point!

11:30am: Now I find I have a different dilemna... I have an interest in two of the sessions here, but I could also kinda happily miss both of them and take advantage of a bit of quiet time in the Hub. Last year I took my crochet with me with great plans to skip a session and just catch my breath but I didn't. I feel like it would be a good move this year with how ill I have been lately, and yet the thought of missing any session is hard! I went to a session by Julia Boggio in my first year at BritMums Live, so whilst I would love to be inspired by her further I know I could just about bring myself to miss her session. And I love the idea of the collaboration session because it has some awesome bloggers on the panel and it's something I am interested in... but I already collaborate with others through my work so I do feel it is something I could miss. So I guess at this point I will most likely skip a session and crochet quietly in a corner so I don't exhaust myself too much.

12:20pm: Finally I am back in the realms of knowing exactly what I want to attend and that is the session called, "Google+: Learning to love it". It was at BritMums Live in 2012 that I first heard about Google+ and despite joining it way back then I still don't really know how it works. Yet it sounds like an amazing social media platform and so I really want to learn more about it.

1:10pm: Lunch - and a natter, of course!

2:10pm: As someone who signed up to Instagram in 2012 and yet only started properly using it after one of the Team Honk Team told me I really ought to be following them on there too, I am really interested in the session, "How to instagram better: take gorgeous snaps, build followers, be part of the community".

3pm: I'm really intrigued by the title of the session, "Things you didn't know you could do, but you can" because I am always amazed at how many things people do that I have never even heard of or thought were way too complicated. I think this could be a fun session, especially as geekmummy is running it!

3:50pm: More cake (I hope... I really must pack a big bag of wheat-free goodies!)

4:45pm: Bloggers keynote... last year was the first time I attended this as I skipped out early the year before. I have to say that it is really emotional, often funny, and totally heartwarming to realise how many things we all share through our blogs. I cannot wait to see which posts have been put forward this year!

5:45pm: Special performance... oooooh that sounds interesting, I wonder what it will be like!

6:15pm: Swap my namebadge for my goodie bag, say a fond farewell to The Brewery for yet another year and realise that whilst I've had an amazing time it is all over and I have to go home *sniff sniff*

Looking through this I realise just how amazing it's going to be and I cannot wait for it to come around. Tell me, are you planning on attending any of the same sessions as me? Let me know so I can try and sit with you and have a natter!

 

The Joy of the Garden (#joyeveryday)

It's been a few days since I started out in my quest to find the joy in the everyday moments, and so far I have discovered a couple of things. First, it can be very difficult to notice these little things because you are so used to only documenting the "big stuff" that you miss the little things or feel they aren't worth noting. And the second is that because of the first it is very important to take the time to try and find joy in the small things because it shouldn't be that difficult!

If you follow me on instagram or twitter you may have noticed me already making an effort to mark these small moments as they happen (photos of a toddler with a vacuum cleaner, anyone?) but as I wish to be really intentional in seeking these moments of joy I also wish to take the time to reflect on them and share them on the blog. The posts may not always be what I would previously have considered "blogworthy" because they may only make sense to me. But one thing I have also learned lately is that it's the "little things" that we all know and recognise that bring us together. 

Today it was the simple pleasure of being able to go out into the garden, feel a bit of sunshine, and see everything flourishing. Who doesn't feel joy when they see something they have planted grow? Especially when some of those things will eventually feed and nourish your family! Our tomato seedlings unfortunately died, but our potatoes, onions, garlic and carrots are all doing well...

...as are the strawberries!

To me this isn't exactly an "everyday moment" as our garden is constantly changing. But whereas I normally would have stepped out, walked past them, and gone about my many tasks without a single thought I would have missed the lovely feeling that comes from taking some time out to appreciate the amazing growth and development going on all around me.

As someone who spends an awful lot of time and energy on a wide variety of projects, it's pretty nice to have something flourish with very little effort on my behalf. So long as they are watered and the weather stays nice they do well. Trusting nature to do what it does best is quite a wonderful feeling and something I need to do more in other areas of my life too.

I also find it hugely symbolic. New things are happening all around us, whether we put energy into them or not. Sometimes we are amazed by the changes, sometimes we are amused (or bemused) by them - like how the feverfew, aquilegia and chives have spread right across the garden within such a short amount of time, regardless of our attempts to plan where they should be. I absolutely love the rather "wild" feel about and it a great lesson for me in accepting that sometimes you just have to let things happen as they will.

But it's also symbolic of how a little bit of time and intention, along with a smidgen of positivity can take something that looks like a lost cause and turn it into something truly beautiful. The tree above was found shoved at the back of a garden centre, half dead and looking extremely pitiful. We brought it home, planted it in the garden and let it grow. And now look at it! This, more than anything, brings me joy and reminds me that nothing is beyond hope.

All in all today was a very good day for finding joy and I am so glad that I decided to try and do this more often.

Finding Joy in the Everyday Moments

These past few weeks have been a total whirlwind for me. It seems like pretty terrible timing that in the month when I had 4 hospital appointments (3 of them for investigations) I also completed my Nine Months Of challenge, had an auction to organise, and finished the final edit of the book I have been writing. My feet have quite literally not left the ground and I feel like I haven't stopped...

And in amongst all of that, all the major achievements that were going on (such as getting the book to the publisher and seeing lots of fundraising and awareness plans all come together) the little bits and pieces started to get lost. I began to lose sight of the everyday moments and in doing so I seemed to allow old emotions to flood back to the surface - once my focus was on everything big, the big emotions came out to play!

I found myself grieving once more over our decision to never have another baby. This has been bubbling away slowly beneath the surface for a long, long time but my ongoing health issues and the exhaustion from trying to do too much just brought home how very real that decision is. And I began to grieve all over again. None of those big achievements seemed to matter anymore because the biggest dream I ever had was never going to completely come true.

And yet, it has. I am a mother. That is all I ever wanted to be. I have a beautiful child who means the world to me and whilst my heart may still yearn for another, the boy I have is more than enough to fill anyone's heart with so much joy. 

And I have a loving husband who supports me in all I do. Together we are building a life that reflects who we are as individuals, as a couple, as parents and as a family of three. Those beautiful moments, perfect in and of themselves, are being lost when my mind is so focussed on "the big things".

That's not to say the big things don't matter. I am so proud of the work I do and the people I support. But I don't want them to be the only things that defines me. Because at the end of the day there is only so much one person can do and if you find yourself constantly striving to do more (as I so often do) then you lose sight of the smaller, more intimate things which make life so beautiful. When the stress of those big things gets you down it's the little things that will hold you afloat.

That's what I have been missing lately and as such I've decided I need to make an effort to consciously and purposefully seek out the joy in the everyday moments. The things that will remain once the book the published, and once my little boy no longer needs his mama quite so much. My life can't only be about these "big things"... as they are so fleeting. It needs to be about the little things too.

I get that now. I don't know why, but it suddenly hit me today. I was in a really deep moment of grief and truly allowing myself to feel it fully for the first time. Perhaps that is why I made this connection. Perhaps, because I didn't try to squash it down as I usually do, I was able to see it for what it was. Who knows... what I do know, however, is that this is something I really want to do.

I've been wondering where my blog is going for a very long time and now I feel like I know that too... it's for documenting all those little things that add up to make my life (and the life of my family) so special. It's for the memories and for realising that the moment we have right now is the most important. Of course there is space for dreams and lots of space for the big things too... I will never stop blogging about those. But instead of only ever documenting the big stuff, I will now share the little stuff too.

I've decided to call it "finding joy in the everyday moments". Won't you join me?

 

 

International Hyperemesis Gravidarum Awareness Day 2014 - What It Means To Me

 

Morning all.

After the flurry of the past couple of weeks (both with hospital appointments and work) I find myself sitting here on the morning of 15th May, a date I have been working towards all year, realising I have not even thought about what I would write today. And that surprises me, because for all the work I do in the HG World and all the times I think about it, I somehow seem to have been avoiding writing a post like this. What does HG (Hyperemesis Gravidarum) mean to me?

I actually and honestly do not know where to start with this one. There is no simple answer. In many ways HG was the unrelenting thief that stole away my health during pregnancy, took the joy of carrying new life away from us, and even wiped away a lot of the joy of becoming new parents when depression hit. And that thief continues to work today as it steals the dream of having more children away from me. But HG also gave me an awful lot...

It gave me greater compassion for others, realising that pregnancy isn't the easy-going, exciting time you hope it is for a lot people. Whether it's HG or some other complication, pregnancy can be tough and we all need support to get through that. 

It also gave me even deeper determination to create change. I've always felt a strong desire to fight for those who need it, but without the absolute horror that was my HG experience I don't think I would ever have thrown myself quite so passionately and completely into anything. When I look back over the past 2.5 years since having Little Man I cannot believe just how much I have done. I threw myself almost with wild abandon into a world which needed strong voices to stand up for those who, like I myself had been during pregnancy, were unable to fight for themselves. 

I have written a book. This is nothing new, pretty much everyone who has ever known me well has expected I would write a book one day. But this was not the sort of book I expected to write at all. Prior to my pregnancy I started writing a novel... that was the sort of book I thought I would write. Not an extensive guide to a medical condition. I mean, I don't even have a medical background. It's been tough, I've had to learn an awful lot and have spent hours pouring over research and learning what it all means. And I very nearly gave up several times. But I didn't and thanks to the wonderful passion of my co-author we got there. Our book is currently with the publisher and should be out later this year!

I have also organised two handmade auctions to raise money for the charity Pregnancy Sickness Support (PSS). The first came out of the sudden idea that everybody loves to receive a handmade gift, so why not run an auction and raise money for the charity I loved and wished had been around when I was pregnant. That first auction raised just over £300 for PSS, whereas this year's is still live and will be until Sunday 18th May 2014 at 10am, so why not pop over and see what goodies we have. Some of them are items I made as part of my Nine Months Of crochet challenge - another endeavour I'd have never undertaken without knowing just how hard HG is and how worth every minute the effort was.

And finally I am now the Volunteer Coordinator for PSS. I cannot tell you how much of a privilege it is to go to work every day and work with over 100 volunteers around the country who are as passionate as I am about supporting women in their darkest hours and creating change for the women who are yet to face this journey. I speak to women on a daily basis who are in the throes of HG and I am reminded constantly of how harrowing that experience is and I know, without a doubt, that no matter how overwhelming my work is (and it really is a lot of the time!) it is worth it. Because at the end of the day, we are offering the support and information women and their families need to survive a HG pregnancy and meet their babies at the end of nine very long and hard months.

Which leads me to the greatest thing that HG brought me - my beautiful son!

I know that HG isn't really what brought Little Man to me. I would have had just as beautiful and gorgeous a baby boy had I sailed through pregnancy without any kind of sickness at all. But because it was such a hard-won battle I am constantly aware of just how very lucky we were that I didn't give up, that I didn't allow the terrible medical care I received to push me beyond my limits, that I didn't find myself making the awful decision that some women with HG feel that have no choice but to make and end the pregnancy. I'll never forget that.

But for all that, my heart still breaks at what HG has stolen from us. That awful thief which made my pregnancy a living hell and which has left us feeling like there is no way we could ever go through it again, even with the extra support that PSS provides. I think back to my pregnancy and wonder how different it might have been were the support network and website PSS has today available in 2011. Would I have allowed myself to get to my 5th month before getting any kind of helpful medical support? Would I and my husband have felt so utterly alone and terrified? Would we have made the painful decision to never have another child of our own?

I'm not saying the support makes HG easy. It does not. But it can make it easier and that is something I will work tirelessly for until the day when HG is taken seriously and women are treated promptly and effectively without having to battle for it. I'll fight so that no other woman has to make the decision to never go through the happy times of pregnancty - the joy of a positive result, the excitement of the first scan, the wonder of the very first kick, the fun in choosing a name, and the overwhelming emotion that comes with holding your baby in your arms for the very first time.

Writing that makes me cry, because quite frankly I want nothing more than to be able to do that all again. But I can't. Sometimes I am perfectly okay with that and other times it breaks me apart. It is like a grief that sneaks up on you when you're least expecting it. And I know so many other women feel that same grief. And I'll fight for them too.

Every woman's experience of HG is different. Some do it once, some do it multiple times. Some are in and out of hospital, some never get admitted even once. Some receive excellent care, others are treated in an appalling way. But one thing remains true throughout all of this... HG brings us together. Once you have experienced it you know the depths of another sufferer's heart and that brings us together in a wonderful community of support and acceptance. And that is something HG gives instead of taking away. And that's what I want to end this post with.

For the second year running, PSS has created an awareness video, sharing the photos of HG sufferers and survivors. And for the second year running it has moved me to tears. Please consider watching it as it shows so much more than I can possibly do in my words alone. The video below is only viewable on the computer, so if you are reading this on a mobile then please click this link to view the mobile version.

Thank you all for reading. If you want to know more about the work of PSS and how much is being done today to raise funds and awareness, then please do their blog at www.ninemonthsof.com

 

Want to read more?

There are some amazing bloggers out there who are writing about their own experiences of HG (or severe sickness that hasn't quite been diagnosed as HG). If you don't know where to start, here's a list of some of my favourites:

Adventures of Adam - Emma is a trustee for PSS and writes a blog about fun activities she does with her son, Adam. She has a whole host of HG Friendly Activities - things you can do with your kids that are easy to set up, take very little adult input, and are unlikely to set off triggers such as smells or movement. Her blog has been shortlisted for an award in the BiBs - you can vote for it in the Fresh Voice Category here. Emma wrote about her own HG experience here. 

Diary of a Charity Chick - Susie is another trustee for PSS and writes a blog about her charity work not just for PSS but also in other areas. Susie is a whirlwind of activity and never seems to stop, so it is great to see all that she is achieving! She has written a post today which you can read here.

Me, The Man and The Baby - another Emma, this time an award winning blogger who is once again shortlisted for another award for her posts about pregnancy! I came across Emma's blog on Twitter and have followed her journey since. She has written about HG today as well and you can read that post here. 

Mummy Whiskers - Katrina is an amazingly committed PSS volunteer and whilst I knew her before I became the Volunteer Coordinator my respect for her has grown so much since I took on the role and discovered just how much passion, energy and enthusiasm she has for the charity and the women we support. Katrina started her blog last year and it has gone from strength to strength ever since and she has written an incredibly thorough round-up post today which you can read here. 

Ruby + Lottie - Kimberley is another PSS volunteer who is also a blogger (seems there are a few of us!) and she shared her HG experience with the media (newspapers, magazines and radio) as well as on her blog. She has written a post about it today which you can read here. 

Spewing Mummy - Caitlin is, without a doubt, the most enthusiastic advocate for women with HG I have ever come across. She helped redesign the PSS website, started the support network, runs a blog (which has been shortlisted for not one but two blog awards this year! You can still vote for her in the Commentary and Campaigns category in the BiBs here) and helped me write the book about HG. She is, and always has been, my inspiration and I am constantly amazed by how much she has achieved and continues to achieve for women with HG. I am so proud of her and would recommend you follow her blog if you're currently suffering from HG. 

Related articles

Today I'm in Tears... International Hyperemesis Awareness Day

Hyperemesis Across the Pond

Hyperemesis Gravidarum: List of Support Groups, Charities, Blogs and Resources

Hyperemesis Gravidarum: The Importance of Awareness and Accurate Reporting

Handmade Auction for PSS - The Blankets

Well, we're on the final countdown. In just a couple of weeks I will launch my second Handmade Auction to raise funds for Pregnancy Sickness Support and so it is about time I started sharing the gorgeous donations we've had with you all.

Today it's the turn of the blankets. 

Last year my grandma donated 2 crocheted lap/baby blankets and they were a massive hit. I couldn't believe how many people were bidding on them and so this year I have worked hard to ensure we had several blankets in the auction.

I have made 3 blankets, my grandma has made 3 blankets, and the wife of one of the charity's trustees has also made a blanket. That's seven blankets in total - wowee! I believe there may be an eighth blanket on its way too - eek!

Do you want to see them? Of course, you do! Here they are in all their glory...

1. Grandma Marjorie's Blanket #1

 

This blanket, like all my Grandma's blankets, has been made using various bits of leftover yarn (mostly wool and acrylic blends) and has a wonderfully whimsical feel to it. It's perfect as either a gift for a new baby or as a lap-blanket to keep you warm during the colder months.

I don't know about you, but I love snuggling under a blanket to watch a film or read a book and sometimes you don't want or need a massive blanket wrapped around you in case you need to leap up and do something (like check on your toddler who has woken up crying) without tripping over excess blanket. That's where lap blankets come in and you're lucky enough to have three to choose from.

As you can see, the blanket is a decent size (this photo is taken on a single bed) and whilst not a full bed size, it is perfect for babies, toddlers or throwing over your lap on a chilly evening.

This blanket measures 96.5cm/ 98 inches across.

2. Grandma Marjorie's Blanket #2

Exactly the same as blanket #1 (except not quite, as each is unique in colour scheme). I've taken the photo along with some of Little Man's books and toys to show that the colours work well for any number of bedroom themes if you're looking for a gift for your little one. But don't forget the colours of blankets 1 and 2 are both varied enough to suit an adult too!

 

This blanket also measures 96.5cm/ 38 inches across.

3. Grandma Marjorie's Blanket #3

This is still in production - photos to come!

4. My Rainbow Ripple

 

This blanket is made using Sublime Baby Cotton Kapok DK yarn, kindly donated by Black Sheep Wools. 

It would make the perfect present for a loved one expecting a new arrival, or the ideal addition to your own nursery plans. It is super soft and the colours are so soft and gentle they would fit in with most decors. I truly loved every minute of making this blanket I'm quite sad to see it go... it will be treasured for years, I am sure. 

Again, this photo has been taken on a single bed to give a better idea of size... it would be perfect for a cot and still be a nice warm over-blanket when your little one moves into a big bed

It measures 113cm / 44.5 inches from point to point

5. My Granny Mandala Snuggle Blanket

I call this a "snuggle blanket" because it is not as large as most baby blankets, measuring a mere 79cm/ 31 inches across the diameter.

However it is the perfect size for taking out in the pram, pushchair or car and is ideal for tucking in a bag when you go out in case you need something to throw down for baby to sit on and play whilst out and about. My son had one made to the same design and we took it everywhere with us and even to this day he still likes to snuggle up with it sometimes.

It is made in the super soft Sublime Baby Cotton Kapok DK, again donated by Black Sheep Wools and is a great mix of pinks with a splash of purple every so often. 

6. My Super Bright Chunky Granny Blanket

This blanket is deliciously warm and cosy as it has been made using two strands of aran weight yarn together. Yet despite being thick it is not overly heavy.

It's bright colours make it ideal for cheering up the darkest of winter days and yet is sunny enough for the brightest summer days too. Whether used as a cover for warmth in the colder months or a blanket to sit on in the garden when it warms up, this blanket will last the test of time.

This blanket is the same size at the snuggle blanket, measuring 79cm/ 31 inches across. However I wouldn't call it a snuggle blanket as it is much thicker and therefore better for laying on a bed rather than carrying around for comfort. It is made using Rico Creative Cotton Aran weight yarn which I bought from Black Sheep Wools using gift cards that were donated by customers for my challenge.

7. Surprise Blanket # 1

This blanket has been made by the wife of one of our trustees and I have yet to see it but have been promised a photo soon! So keep your eyes peeled...

All of these blankets will be listed in my handmade auction, which will go live on eBay on 8th May for 10 days. Bidding on everything starts at 99p so you could bag yourself a bargain! Please do drop by and get the link to the auction once it is live if you like the look of any of these blankets. For more information about the auction and my Nine Months Of challenge, see this post. 

My Little Gardener

This week, Little Man and I have been mostly found in the garden. Last week Little Man had chicken pox and was home all week we me. We started trying to go out in the garden a bit but it wasn't nearly as gloriously bright and sunny as it has been this week. So whilst he has been back at nursery 2 days this week, we have still taken every opportunity to get outside.

This has included tromping around in the morning dew wearing nothing but his pjs, a coat and some boots!

He honestly loves to be out in the garden, as I mentioned on the blog last year too. And he regularly asks to go outside these days, even fetching my shoes for me when he wants to go out and I'm taking a little bit too long to get myself sorted!

We've blown bubbles, counted pegs, dug in the soil and simply sat and enjoyed the sunshine and each other's company. And it has been lovely. But the thing Little Man loves the absolute most is to water the flowers.

We have an outdoor tap but it is behind our shed and I have not wanted to show Little Man how to get to it in case he gets stuck (or more likely in case he gets up to mischief!!) So we have been filling up our small watering can in the kitchen sink. Our garden isn't very large but it has still involved lots of walking backwards and forwards. So today we hooked up the hose and let him loose...

He was fascinated by it, especially how we could change the speed and spray pattern of the water. I'm pretty sure our path (and my feet) got just as much water as the plants did to begin with. But he got the hang of it very quickly and is now a pro.

He's off to visit Grandma and Grandad on Sunday and their garden is far bigger than ours. I have a feeling he will be spending a lot of time watering their flowers!