The Family Patch

A Month of Tests (forget birthdays and easter!)

As we get nearer to Easter I should be excitedly planning fun activities for us to share over the long weekend as well as looking forward to my birthday at the end of the month. I mean, I turn 30 in just over 2 weeks time - that's worth celebrating, right?

Except the last thing I feel like doing right now is celebrating. 

I am sick. And it isn't getting any easier. I've been struggling from intermittent nausea since Little Man was 3 months old but it has been getting progressively worse until suddenly it has become completely unbearable.

I hadn't really allowed myself to properly stop and take stock of how much my ill health has been taking out of me until a couple of weeks ago. And even then I don't think I let it reach my emotional core because this week I really hit a low point and all because I saw a gastroenterologist who not only took my symptoms seriously but also marked me down as "urgent" on the booking forms for investigations. 

That made me stop and think. 

I've had so many health issues over the past 15 odd years and all of them have included investigations of one sort or another. But I have always been a "routine" case, even told that they didn't think anything was wrong with me but were just checking to be sure (good job really, as twice they were wrong!) 

Being marked as "urgent" was both a relief and a shock... a relief that actually this was a big deal and I wasn't making a big fuss over nothing and a shock that actually this really has been deeply affecting my life for a long time now and I am pretty much at breaking point and I hadn't even realised it.

The day after my appointment I spent the vast majority of the day in floods of uncontrollable tears brought on by a dizzying cocktail of fear, terror, exhaustion and some kind of relief deep down in the midst of it all.

It didn't help that last weekend was pretty exhausting in and of itself as Little Man was sick once again, only to turn into chicken pox on Monday. This means I was trying to fit work around a sick toddler and that is never easy. Then on Tuesday I had my appointment and a ridiculous amount of work, meaning I didn't stop at all until about 8:30pm (I didn't even stop for a proper dinner when I got back from the hospital as I had a pre-booked phonecall to make). So Wednesday it all hit me and I just broke down and had to call in sick.

I'm pretty lucky that my job enables me to work from home. I have worked around my health for the past few weeks and that has perhaps contributed to my blindness to how sick I have actually become. But once I was forced to stop and take a proper look at it all I became scared... very scared!

What if they cannot find a cause for this, despite their investigations? Will I suffer like this forever?

What if they do find something but, like so many of my health issues, there is no easy answer in terms of treatment and management? Will I suffer with this to some degree or another for the rest of my life?

To be completely honest with you, I am absolutely terrified of one of the investigations itself! On 8th May I have to have an endoscopy and the thought of having to lie on my side with a camera down my throat is the most terrifying thought in the world to me. I have a super strong gag reflex (always have, but it is worse since pregnancy) and I do not cope well with retching/vomiting with people around (or laying down for that matter!)

I've done a fair bit of vomiting and retching over the past few years (quite a bit of that in the past few months) but I've always been able to take myself somewhere quiet and deal with it myself. I get panicky and claustrophobic if I have to be around people when I feel that bad... even as I write this I am sitting on the sofa downstairs whilst TJ and Little Man sleep upstairs because I just need to be on my own whilst I am unsure whether my nausea is going to progress into vomiting or not. This has become quite a common arrangement over the past few months. Me and the sofa have become firm friends and I keep a pile of blankets downstairs just in case I feel the need to settle down here for the night.

So, you see, an endoscopy is terrifying to me (even with the promise of sedation) and yet as terrifying as it is I am even more scared that they will not find the cause of my symptoms. 

But at least the consultant is taking me seriously and investigating all options he can think of. On top of the endoscopy I also have to have a Barium Meal and CT Scan (of the chest, abdomen and pelvis).

I am glad he is looking at the pelvis as well as I am pretty convinced a lot of my symptoms are coming from a problem with my bowel somehow. Let's forget about all the Endo pains for a minute as those are another matter entirely (unless adhesions are the cause of some kind of obstruction) and I can still say that the vast majority of the time I feel sick it feels like it is a result of pain or some kind of discomfort in my pelvis. But I won't know if this is true until I have the results from these investigations.

And that's where I'm at. Struggling but surviving in the best way I can.

Little Man is my priority. Then there's work and everyday jobs that need doing. Then there is the Handmade Auction to organise. And then there's me. Anything else is being put on the back burner until after this particularly testing time...

Even my birthday celebrations!

Update on The Handmade Auction - Still Time for Donations!

With just over a month left until International Hyperemesis Gravidarum Awareness Day and my handmade auction to raise funds for Pregnancy Sickness Support, I am pleased to share with you the donations that have already arrived!

As you can see, my own contributions have been joined by some really beautiful items created by some truly talented crafters. There are knitted cardigans and jumpers ranging in size from premature baby through to 18-24 month old toddler, hats for babies, toddlers and adults, as well as a scarf and a cowl for ladies and mittens and bootees for babies. What a collection we've got.

Then there are my three blankets (two of which I need to finish the borders for in the remaining days left before my challenge ends) and my Grandma is currently working on her second blanket for the auction. There is yet another blanket one its way, made by the wife of one of the charity's trustees. If you're looking for gifts for new babies, birthdays or starting your Christmas shopping super early, there should be something for everyone!

But there is still time to send in your donations if you have any. The auction won't go live until the second week in May so you have plenty of time yet to make something up and post it to me for inclusion in the auction. Just send me a message via my contact form and I'll send you details of how to donate items. 

Thanks to all those of you who have supported and donated my challenge so far. I will be sure to post a proper preview of each item over the coming weeks so that you can see them in more detail. 

Parenting - Are These The "Happiest Days of Your Life"?

The other day I wrote a blog post about feeling guilty as a wife, mother and friend. It got quite a varied response, with one friend telling me she felt exactly the same a lot of the time and then a different friend asking me why I was letting so much guilt in when this should be the "happiest time of your life". 

At first my response was that these past two years have been the most stressful of my life in many, many ways. I suffered from Hyperemesis Gravidarum during pregnancy, then I started having problems with nausea and then Endo pains pretty soon after having Little Man, and  now my husband has just been told that he most likely has small fibre neuropathy. That's a lot of health issues to cope with when you have a young child taking up so much of your time and energy!

But it struck me as interesting that within my group of friends there was such a wide gap between the one who told me that she too struggled with guilt and the one who told me that this guilt was unhealthy and that my focus was all wrong. I have a lovely husband and a beautiful son, how could I be letting guilt ruin what should be the happiest time of my life? It seems especially important to ask this when I spent many years of my life looking forward to this exact moment. Am I simply ungrateful for what I have, or did I completely underestimate how hard this would all be?

I wanted to see what other parents thought to this, so I asked a few other bloggers  for their thoughts. Here are their responses:

"I'm with you on this one. I can now see that I had no idea what it was like to be a parent until I had my own children. One minute it can be utter bliss and then in an instant everything can be total s**t (literally). Parenting is constant, I'd like to meet anyone who can be happy every minute of the day when they are always on duty!! I just look forward to the days when my friends have children and I shall just smile knowingly to myself." - Ginger Bisquite

"Parenting is like a roller coaster, looking on at the people screaming and arms in the air it looks like loads of fun, but when you're on it there's the mixed feeling of nerves, elations and slight terror as you navigate the track. No one can fully understand how it feels until you're on the ride. And it's a ride you can't get off. There are always going to be moments that are overwhelming and you can burst into tears in the street and there can be times where your heart is so full full of love it feels like a dream. The one thing it most definitely is? Hard work, a relationship that is constantly challenging you. To all the mums out there I take my hat off to you." - Wild & Grizzly

"To me, this kind of response just adds something else to feel guilty about - not enjoying every moment! I regularly feel as though I'm the only who isn't enjoying every moment and that there must be something wrong with me! Reality is that parenting is blummin' hard work. FACT!" - 3 Children and It

"To me, the happiest time in my life doesn't exist anyway. I find life mostly hard work and stress with the odd good day, you know, every decade or so ....." 

"I get so angry at those type of comments (enjoy it, they won't be like this forever etc.) - some days I can't wait for my boys to be old enough to blow their own noses and be left alone for 20 minutes without risk of them destroying the house, or each other! Parenthood is a rollercoaster (and at times, bloody hard work, especially with pre-schoolers). This myth of it being permanently wonderful isn't helping anyone..." - Hodge Podge Craft

*edited - in respone to Hodge Podge's comment* "I find those things are a reminder for me when the kids do tire me out and I feel like I have no energy, am too stressed etc. I do feel like I will miss this stage once it is over and it helps me to remind myself of that at times when it feels challenging. As for happiest times of your life, I think that's probably way too broad and way too individual for anyone to make these kind of sweeping statements." - In The Playroom

"I keep having these thoughts. I know it is a blessing to have my little one, and I am eternally grateful for it, but we are humans too. We are allowed our mood-swings and meltdowns. I have written about this here" - Rambling Through Parenthood

Reading these comments back, I am reminded that parenting is hard work and that's a fact! And yet we put all this pressure on ourselves to have the most perfect life ever.

We see, hear and read about people "having it all". We believe we should be able to do all these things and still have time and energy to spare, but that is just nuts. So often the only things we share are the good bits, the bits which we want people to see. We hide the exhaustion, frustration and anger we feel because it doesn't seem right to share these. Everybody else seems to have it all under control, and so we feel bad about the fact that we don't. What is wrong with us? Why can't we be like everybody else?

But the truth is everybody has these moments in life when it all gets too much. And by hiding this we make it harder for ourselves and others to ever admit that. We get caught up in trying to keep up with an impossible ideal and it is that which leads us down the path of guilt.

When I first received the comment about this being the happiest time of my life I reacted strongly... with guilt, go figure! But why should I? This is where my thinking is all wrong... these past few years have been the most challenging but they have been brightened by the wonderful parts of being a parent. However, when I fall into the trap of believing my life isn't perfect without being able to do and be everything I want to be (or feel I need to be) I lose that balance entirely.

With that in mind I am making a few changes around here. The things I feel guilty about are the things my heart yearns for the most. Guilt can be  a very helpful emotion so long as you use it as an indicator to what is wrong, rather than believing there is nothing you can do about it. I am choosing to use it as a measure of what needs to change in my life.

These days may be the happiest of my life, but they are also some of the most stressful - and that's okay!

I'm Going to BritMums Live Again!

If you've been following my blog for a while you'll know just how much I have enjoyed BritMums Live the past two years and therefore how excited I am to be going again. I ummed and ahhed about going this year because of the cost and the fact I haven't been well, but when it came to the crunch I just couldn't miss it.

My ticket has been bought, my hotel room has been booked, and childcare has been sorted. Which means the next step is to join in the BritMums Live Linky and find out who else is going.

Here goes...

Name: Amanda

Blog: The Family Patch

Twitter ID: @amandaspatch

Height: 5ft 4ish (at a guess)

Hair: Reddish-brown (all natural - the hairdresser called it "virgin hair" haha) in a bob

Eyes: Dark brown

Is this your first blogging conference?

No, it's my 3rd.

Are you attending both days?

Yes... I wasn't sure I could justify the overnight cost of accommodation but I couldn't bring myself to miss the Friday as both days are so special in their own ways

What are you most looking forward to at BritMums Live 2014?

Meeting up with friends who are coming for the first time (Emma and Katrina), seeing some of my favourite bloggers again, and making new friends. I love the workshops, of course I do, but my very favourite thing about BritMums Live is getting chance to speak to people and putting faces to names. 

What are you wearing?

I have absolutely no idea! Last year I went in jeans and a t-shirt. Each year I think I'll wear something special and then I just never get around to sorting anything out and just sling something easy in my bag. 

What do you hope to gain from BritMums Live 2014?

A better understanding of certain topics and areas of blogging. I feel like my blog is a bit all over the place of late and so it will be nice to go to the workshops and just remind myself of what works well and how to bring it all together.

Do you have any tips to pass on to others who may not have been before?

Yes... be prepared to be totally overwhelmed by it all. You'll feel nervous stepping into The Brewery for the first time (heck, you feel overwhelmed doing it a second or third time!!) but don't let the nerves hold you back. If you're with a friend this will feel less daunting, but if you're alone do not feel scared of walking up to someone and saying "hi". I don't think I've ever met anyone at BritMums Live who wasn't happy to chat when you approach them. But if you do feel too scared to approach people you don't know, use twitter and tweet some of your favourite bloggers, asking them whereabouts they are and ask if you can join them! In fact, don't be scared to send out a tweet saying how overwhelmed, nervous or lonely you are feeling... people will be looking at tweets using the BML hashtag so will see it and tweet back to reassure you and ask where you are.

Take each moment as it comes - you may find yourself in a session that doesn't live up to your expectations, but don't be disheartened... the next session may be the best thing you've ever been to!! My first year I felt quite deflated at the end of the first day but when I went back on the Saturday I loved it and didn't want to leave. It is a massive thing and you may go through a whole host of emotions and be exhausted by the end of it all (who am I kidding, it's utterly exhausting but in a such great way) so don't be afraid to skip a session and just grab a drink in the Hub whilst it is quiet. At the end of the day, make the weekend work for you :)

Feeling Guilty - as a mother, a wife, and a friend

I hadn't planned on writing so much about how I am struggling right now, but it seems as if writing about these things is more important than I realised.

This past week I have written two posts about my health and each one has received over 200 hits - my blog never receives that much interest in one day, let alone twice in one week! And this has given me the confidence to know that it's okay to use this space to share how I'm feeling. And right now, sharing how I am feeling is so important because I need to let it out somewhere or I might explode.

So let's start with guilt. 

It's not a pleasant feeling is it? It's certainly not very helpful at times. But it is very, very invasive and creeps up on you at the worst possible moments, doesn't it?

This past week I have really struggled with my physical health, and my emotional and mental health has suffered too. I have felt guilty over pretty much everything that has happened.

I've felt guilty for snapping at Little Man when he has jumped on me or dragged me off the sofa when I've been feeling really poorly.

I've felt guilty for not being able to remain strong and clear headed when TJ was changing meds and feeling out of sorts himself

And I've felt guilty for having to miss yet another friend's birthday because right now it feels like all I am ever doing is saying, "no, I'm sorry, I just can't make it."

I felt guilty for not taking Little Man to toddler group because I felt so poorly.

I felt guilty for not cooking nutritious meals from scratch and making my family eat easy, convenience food.

And I felt guilty for missing my brother-in-law's birthday because it completely slipped my mind.

Quite frankly, I feel guilty as a mother, I feel guilty as a wife, and I feel guilty as a friend. In each of these roles I am falling short because I am feeling so ill I just cannot give what I want to each one.

And that's hard for me to take.

I was talking to a friend this morning about the way forward and whether I should be considering more drastic action to deal with my symptoms and I realised just how much this is taking over my life. A year ago it was bad, now it is unbearable.

I find myself in a familiar place, except last time I was here I wasn't a mother and I remember very clearly saying to TJ that I didn't know if I would ever be well enough to have children and maybe we weren't meant to be parents. 

And I feel immensely guilty about that! I have the most beautiful son, who is the light of my life, and I cannot give him what he deserves because I am so ill. And that breaks my heart.

The past two years have been spent coming to terms with the fact that we cannot have another child... and yet suddenly that means nothing. Right now my focus is on what I need to do to be well enough to give the child I have the best of me. 

Don't get me wrong - my son is loved, he is cared for, he is thriving in all areas. I am not failing him in any way other than the fact that I want to do more. I want to be well enough to plan activities and trips away to see family and friends, and actually be able to do them. Right now I just cannot do more than what I have to do. I can feed him, clean him, clothe him, play with him, read to him, teach him and love him... but at the end of all that I am so exhausted I don't know how to recover.

And there are so many things I want to give him. So many things I want to give my husband. And so many things I want to give myself. I want to complete the HG book. I want to devote as much of my career to changing things for other women, so that they never have to feel these emotions. And I want to have a life where my health doesn't dictate what I can and can't do. Where we can invite Little Man's cousins and friends to stay or we can plan a holiday of our own without thinking "will I be well enough to do this?"

And right now I know roughly what I need to do to get there, but the path is a scary one. It means considering more invasive surgery than I have ever considered and that terrifies me. But I think I'm at the point where I no longer want to live like this - I want to see what life is like without it hanging over me.

I've spent more years of my life controlled by my health than I have without these health issues, and that is a fact I want to change sooner rather than later.

And hopefully that will stop the guilt too...

Let's Talk About Mental Health: Reactions to Emotional Triggers

I'd like to take a moment to talk about Mental Health and the way it can impact on the way we react to our own emotional triggers. 

I've never hidden the fact that I have suffered from depression. However I have never taken the time to express how and why this impacts on the way I react to things and why I am so passionate about raising awareness of various causes. This is not because I haven't wanted to, but rather I haven't been able to pinpoint a specific situtation in which it is clearly demonstrated.

Until today.

This morning I received a comment on a post I wrote way back in 2012. This post talked about pretending to be pregnant in order to prank friends and family. I remember writing the post because I felt the need to express how hurtful this prank could be to some, however it wasn't until I looked back at it this morning that I realised how coloured that post was with my own anger and emotions.

The comment I received ended with, "I'm emotionally stable enough not to have a ridiculous attention seeking meltdown every time someone mentions pregnancy or babies. Grow up."

Initially my heart sank and I felt sick - who doesn't feel affected when spoken to like that? But then I went to my post and read through it again and realised that I had pretty much welcomed such comments with the overly emotional and confrontational tone of my original post. 

I mean, let's be fair, I uttered exactly the same words in my post, "Let's all grow up shall we and try and at least consider how our words and actions might harm another. It doesn't take much effort, it certainly takes less than trying to heal the hurt you could cause."

When I read through it I couldn't quite believe how confrontational I had been. I am usually very good at taking the time to step back from my own emotions and write in a more balanced way. I have had to do exactly that with the HG book but it appears the same hasn't been true on my blog.

That's not to say that I do not feel these things need to be said. I still stand by the basis of my post, I think that particular prank has the potential to hurt a lot of people and I wanted to raise awareness of that. However were I to write that same post today, I would have been able to step back and write with a bit more compassion and understanding that for many people this just isn't an issue. And the fact I can see this difference is very telling of the difference within my mental state then and now.

When I wrote the original post, I was still attending CBT sessions to cope with the trauma of my pregnancy and was beginning to come to terms with the fact that deep down I knew we would never be able to have another baby. My husband was depressed, I was hurting, and above all else I was confused by it all because despite everything that had happened I knew how incredibly lucky we were to have had Little Man in the first place. So many people didn't get that opportunity and it made me feel guilty for feeling so upset about our situation.

I had conflicting emotions - I was grateful for what we had, but so angry that various health issues meant that we couldn't possibly ever go through another pregnancy and would never get to make such an announcement again. At times my thoughts were completely overwhelmed by the grief I felt, grief at the loss of the larger family I had always dreamed about. And grief at the loss of the positive pregnancy experience I had longed for. It's no wonder I couldn't think clearly enough to write a more balanced post back then.

Reading it back this morning I found myself unsure of the way forward. Should I delete the comment? Should I delete the post? 

Neither of these felt right to me. The comment, though harsh, was valid and deleting it did nothing more than allow someone to hurt me enough for me to hide that away. Hiding that hurt doesn't make it go away and it certainly doesn't make room for open discussion about life and how we feel about it. It also felt wrong (to me) to have my say and then remove anyone who dared to disagree - what's the point in that? We're never going to see eye-to-eye on everything and part of life is learning to disagree with enough honour and respect for each other that it doesn't get nasty.

I'm not sure that I can say this happened with my post and the comment... harsh words were spoken on both sides. But removing that doesn't solve the issue. There is still a massive stigma surrounding Mental Health, where people are expected to hide how they feel and just "get on with it" even if they are falling apart inside. This stigma is what opens up the way for people to judge others based on their "emotional stability" rather than supporting them when they are struggling. So whilst the comment wasn't particularly nice, it needs to remain where it is because it is the reality of life right now.

Deleting the actual post would do the exact same damage. If I removed (or even edited) my original post, I would be denying that I had ever struggled so much. I would be brushing my experience under the carpet, pretending that I never struggled with these issues and never got angry about it all. How would that help me? How would that help others?

Writing so openly about my darkest moments and allowing people to see things that I regret isn't easy. It leaves me wide open for judgement and criticism. And this isn't easy to face at any time, no matter how much stronger I am now. But this comment was not the first and will not be the last of its kind. And whilst that is still true I will continue to write about these issues. Until Mental Health is no longer something we whisper about behind closed doors, I will continue to write about it, because I know how lonely it can be to feel this way and how hard it is to keep going when no-one seems to understand.

Mental Health is a big deal. I cannot do it justice in one short post. But I can promise not to shy away from talking about it. 

If you'd like to know more or are in need of support, you may find the following places helpful:

Black Dog Tribe

Mind

Time To Change

 

Let's Talk About Women's Health: Endometriosis and Me

It feels like I haven't blogged about Endometriosis in a very, very long time. Too long in fact, because right now I seem to be having major issues with it all again.

I think the last time I posted properly about it was way back in 2010, before I fell pregnant. I commented on it once or twice during pregnancy and then again last year, but to be honest I have been not-so-blissfully unaware of its impact on my life for quite some time. And that's not to say it hasn't been having an impact, but rather other things have distracted my attention from it.

But right now I seem to be living in hell and I'm beginning to think it may be connected to the Endo again (rather than, as I have been woefully saying, lingering affects from being so sick during my pregnancy).

Perhaps this sounds like I am being a bit of a drama queen, but bear with me...

I started suffering from nausea for 2 weeks in every month from the time Little Man was 3 months old. I saw a gynaecologist about this and we discussed my symptoms. He told me that as I had no pain and only nausea it couldn't possibly be the Endo, even though nausea is a very typical hormonal symptom for me. That was summer 2012.

By summer 2013 I was starting to get those niggling pains... the ache around the ovary, the cramping around the womb, the stabby pains in places you do not want to mention. They weren't regular but the fact that they came (along with spotting) whenever I did anything strenuous like scrubbing the kitchen floor or having the odd romantic evening with my husband, made me think things were ramping up a level.

What I failed to remember though was that when I had my last laparoscopy in 2009 I wasn't in huge amounts of pain. I had pain, but not unbearably so - it was all the other symptoms that got me. The nausea, the exhaustion, the random pains that had no pattern. I fell into the ridiculous notion that without pain it couldn't be the Endo (as prior to my first laparoscopy in 2005 pain was the major symptom I had), but I have always known pain isn't a direct indicator of the severity of Endometriosis and as I wasn't having periods thanks to the Mirena I wasn't having that same severity I had suffered from before. I knew this in 2009, which was why I pushed for the laparoscopy when they discovered stage 3 Endo which included my uterus being attached to my bowel. No wonder I felt awful!

But for some reason I did not make these same connections last year. I think I was so concerned with raising awareness of Hyperemesis Gravidarum as that was still so fresh in my mind, that I just assumed the dietary issues I was having were left over from that (after all, even my GP said all that dry heaving could have caused a hiatus hernia!) And then, of course, I was so worried about TJ's symptoms that I never really stopped to consider how bad mine were getting, nor how quickly they were progressing...

But here I am, in 2014, in a very familiar place. I'm exhausted, I am in discomfort, I am sick, and I am losing weight. All of these are such telling signs that something is wrong and I cannot believe I have missed them until they got so bad I had no choice but to notice them.

I guess I just always had something else to blame. In September I had to take two courses of antibiotics which severely upset my stomach - so I thought it was that. In October I started a new job so I thought the stress of that was making me sick. In November I went to a conference and I thought the change in routine upset my system. In December I had the most horrific "virus" and yet now I don't think it was a virus at all... I am starting to worry it was connected to adhesions around my bowel.

In January I had yet another virus, and this time TJ had it too so I just thought it was that lingering on a bit too long. But over the course of December and January I lost a stone in weight and I have yet to put it on. The only other times I have been this small in my adult life has been when I was very sick with the Endo or very sick with Hyperemesis!

Since January I have felt sick most days. For the past few weeks I feel sick without fail 30-60 minutes after I eat. Without fail! That makes eating very challenging to say the least. No wonder I can't seem to put the weight back on.

I am taking medication for the sickness, medication for reflux, and medication for IBS and I am still this sick. It is getting to the point now where I don't know how I am continuing to cope.

I don't know how I am doing it, but I do know why I am...

1. I have no choice

2. I don't know any different

3. I will not be beaten!

 

But that doesn't change the fact that I am really struggling and I need to get on top of these symptoms soon. I am lucky that I now work from home so can at least work around feeling poorly (I have made several phonecalls from bed!) That goes a long way towards helping me cope but the symptoms are still extremely troublesome.

So my difficulty now lies in the way forward. I have an appointment to see a gastroenterologist in April but I am unsure whether I need to see a gynaecologist instead (or as well as). I don't know who deals with these things - I think the Endo is to blame because I have some very telling signs, and yet it is severely affecting my digestive system which has not been great ever since my diagnosis of Endo, so perhaps I need to see both. 

All I know is that I can't keep going on like this. It is for this very reason that we know we can never have another child. For us it is not the Hyperemesis that stops us doing it all again but rather my health outside of pregnancy too. We were so lucky to fall pregnant naturally and have Little Man but we can't do it again... it takes all my energy just to give him a good life, I couldn't split myself between two children. And it hurts me to say that but it is true.

I think I'm heading towards surgery at some point in the near future but I don't know what kind and that is scary too. And this is why I need to start blogging about it again... I need a place to share these feelings, both for myself and for all those women (1 in 10!) who experience the hell of Endometriosis. If I can ignore my own symptoms and doubt myself after all I've been through and all I know about it, what chance have I got of getting anyone else to recognise them and fight for better treatment? 

Crochet Basics: Single Crochet Stitch (US) Photo Tutorial

Welcome to the third tutorial in my Crochet Basics series of photo tutorials.

Today's tutorial brings me to a point where I have to make a decision - do I use UK or US terminology? 

As I'm a UK blogger you'd think I'd use UK terminology, but to be honest I learnt using US terminology as that is what I came across the most in online tutorials. And so I'm going to go with that. 

It is confusing that we have different terms for the same stitches, and you always need to make sure you know which terminology a pattern uses before starting as otherwise you could end up doing it all wrong. 

I don't want to confuse you too much - I'll give you more information on the different terms in a later post - but for now just know that I am using US terminology throughout my series and if you are using UK terminology then this tutorial is for the Double Crochet Stitch.

So... now we've cleared that up (I hope) we can get on with the tutorial - enjoy!

Congratulations! You now have all the skills to begin practising making some basic squares. Practising squares helps you learn how you work (some people work more tightly than others - I often have to work slightly differently to a pattern because my tension is 'off', but that's okay because I know this about myself now!)

Try starting with a slip knot, then creating 20 chain stitches, and then work for as many rows as it takes in single crochet to create a square. See how you get on... it may be slow progress to begin with but the more your practise the quicker you will get.

I'll be back soon to show you how to do a slip stitch.

This blog entry is my submission to the Deramores Blog Awards 2014. Deramores is the UK’s number one online retailer of knitting and crochet supplies. 

Crochet Basics: Chain Stitch - a Photo Tutorial

Following on from my first Crochet Basics Tutorial (The Slip Knot), here is my step-by-step guide to the Chain Stitch.

Have fun!

And that's it, folks - the most basic of basic crochet stitches and you are now well on your way to becoming a crochet addict!

Check back again soon, my next tutorial is the Single Crochet (US terminology) or Double Crochet (UK terminology) Stitch. I know this sounds daunting and confusing, but it really isn't - I shall explain more when we get to it.

Crochet Basics: The Slip Knot - a photo tutorial

I've been thinking about creating a series of photo tutorials of the basic crochet stitches for quite some time now. In 2013 I made some videos for iVillage.co.uk but have wanted to do something different for my blog and this seemed like the best way to share the basics with you all.

I taught myself to crochet using online tutorials and so I wanted to pass this on by creating my own series of the things I have found most valuable when starting out in crochet (or, in fact, when trying to develop the skills you already have). 

And so after a fun session yesterday with my camera and tripod, I have created the first of my tutorials, which I hope will become part of a  much bigger series - Crochet Basics!

Today's tutorial is the slip knot. It won't get you crocheting straight away - you'll need the next two tutorials (chain stitch and single/double crochet stitch) to start making an actual item. But this is the first thing you need to know before you can start, so it's where I shall begin.

And that's all there is to it! Congratulations, you've taken the first step towards learning how to crochet. 

Join me again soon for my chain stitch tutorial.